As I was typing a review the other day (or was it an editorial) my wife wandered into my office and read what I was creating. It only took her a few milliseconds to adopt the voice of the comic book store owner on the Simpsons, who comes across like a complete loser and nerd and is extremely hilarious as for some reason he hits all of us "fans" a little too close to home. After she had her fun at my embarrassment, I read over what I had written and whole heartedly agreed with her sentiments. I definitely sounded like I needed to get a life. And quick! The problem is, I have a life. So that isn’t helping. Now what? I have other hobbies, but this one has been a favorite since I was a kid. The question then begs to be answered: How can we discuss or write about something of this nature and not come off sounding like completely sheltered socially impotent morons?
I have often made fun of people who went on and on about golf or bowling. You know the types: They know entirely too much about the sports (sports, yeah right!), they subscribe to Golf Digest, they name-drop famous bowlers or golfers and constantly critique their performances. Yet after all that, I must admit I’m exactly the same, except I belong to another nerd menagerie: video games. I mean, who the hell am I to be reviewing video games? Where are all the wonderful video games I’ve created? What the hell have I done to further the business? Zippo. Unless you count the 3 minutes I spent entering some numbers in Basic about 22 years ago, attempting to get the computer to say ‘Hi!". And the same probably goes for you. So why are we so petty and act so high and mighty when in reality we have done absolutely nothing? Do we justify it by saying if it wasn’t for us customers there would be no video game industry, so in effect we do have a right to bitch and moan and praise when we feel the need?
Every industry has it’s critics. How many movie reviewers have directed a movie or written one? Well, Roger Ebert has had some experience. But does that give him the right to trash or heap praise on a flick? How many music reviewers have recorded a hit CD? You get my point. However, we have appointed these people to form our opinions for us. Hey it saves me a lot of trouble. I don’t have to spend money on a movie that Roger Ebert didn’t like. I can just say that it sucks and get on with my life even though I haven’t seen it. The same goes for video games. I just look through the magazine reviews or check out various websites and make my buying/renting decisions right there at home without having to actually decide for myself what is good or bad. And then when someone asks my opinion about a game that received a bad review, I pass on the info like an expert. ‘It sucks" I say, "Don’t buy it." And they don’t. Even though I haven’t played it, they haven’t played it and even Roger Ebert hasn’t played it. Does this also describe you? And if it does, does the word "pathetic" come to mind? Come on, admit it. We all are guilty!
If you are still having trouble deciding if you are a video game nerd and/or a critic then please take my handy test, of which it’s existence only proves my case further. I have taken the time out of my life to devote to making a nerd test, therefore I must be a nerd. Hey, it’s simple math people. I hate to break it to you, but by possibly even reading this far into this editorial, you may already be a video game nerd as well.
Please answer yes or no to the following questions:
1. Have you ever habitually harassed a video game store for a game, which you had hoped would be released already, but in fact was not coming out for weeks or months? (If Yes, you might want to consider doing something more constructive with your time. Like, stalking.)
2. Have you ever bad-mouthed a game that you had never played?
3. Have you skipped school or work to play a video game? (Me and Bionic Commando!)
4. Have you ever fleshed out your own game with diagrams etc. even though you can barely turn a computer on, never mind program a whole game? (Definite nerd potential if you’ve done this one. Hoo Boy.)
5. Do you dislike other game systems because you don’t own them?
6. Do you dislike other people because of the game systems they own? (If Yes, seek professional help.)
7. On a hot sunny day, are you outside or in front of TV or monitor? (If you answered yes to this one, you haven’t understood the question.)
8. Do you play games like Tomb Raider or Dead or Alive because you find the women sexy to look at? (If you answered "yes’ to this one, you are not a nerd. You are a psychopath.)
9. If you could be any video game character who would it be? (Obviously don’t answer just Yes or No to this one.) However, if you did actually consider an answer for this one, gotcha! Nerd alert! Nerd Alert!
10. Have you ever programmed your own game? (If Yes, good for you. NERD!)
11. Have you ever written a fan letter to a gaming magazine? Next stop, Nerdville!
12. Could you give a 2 hour lecture on how you felt when playing Super Mario 64 for the first time? (I’d have to shorten my lecture to fall into that time frame...)
13. Have you ever played Gameboy in the john? Did you at least wash your hands after? (If No to the last question, you are a filthy, filthy nerd.)
So how did you fair? Unfortunately, I failed. I’m a video game nerd. I know too much about the insides of the PlayStation or what the N64 can and can’t do very well. Is that any worse than knowing what golf club to use when you need to gain 400 yds on a windy day? Who knows.... I do know this though. There is no cure. Just surround yourself with people of your own ilk, and you’ll be just fine. Just fine....Just fine....
PS. Due to some of the emails I’ve received in the past, I feel I should inform you that this editorial was written tongue and cheek. Please don't send me angry email regarding this one. It’s okay to poke fun at yourself once in awhile. If you are offended by this, please lighten up.