I'm starting to wonder if the video game industry has conspired to completely ruin the James Bond franchise for future generations. If true, it's a devilishly brilliant plot worthy of Bond himself. I mean, developers have been kicking out James Bond titles since 1983 (1981 if you count Sega's "005," which was an unlicensed rip-off), and how many good games have been released? Two.
In fact, GoldenEye 007: Reloaded isn't nearly bad enough to land itself on this list by its own merit. However, when you consider the cultural significance of the N64 version, Activision's blatant co-opting of the title simply to rake in a few nostalgic dollars makes GoldenEye 007: Reloaded an unplayable garbage heap.
The fact that you've never heard of this game simply means that you're not wasting your life. Sure, you may be a car thief or an axe murderer, but when The History Channel started making video games, the ethical bar was lowered so significantly that you should have no problem sneaking into heaven; God's going to have his hands full punishing The History Channel's staff.
This is a game with literally no redeeming qualities. The graphics are terrible. The gameplay is quirky and frustrating, and the audio sounds like it was all recorded from inside a soda can. The best part? You would expect a game that was produced by the History Channel to be historically accurate, but it's not even close.
Like I said, no redeeming qualities
If you ever happen to pick up a copy of Battleship and plug it into your console only to find yourself instantly confused about why you're incoherently shooting aliens instead of, I don't know, strategically attacking other Battleships like Hasbro would have liked, don't worry. You're not the idiot in this equation.
Battleship is a game whose sole purpose is to prove that committee-driven development is a creativity-sucking process that only leaves board members happy. Actually, I'm growing suspicious that my grandpa runs the entire entertainment industry. After all, who else but a crazy old codger would think it was a good idea to make a movie about a fleet of ships that haven't been on active duty since Vietnam and then create a video game based on the movie rather than the popular-for-decades board game?
The human race has not yet produced a writer talented enough to accurately convey how terrible this game actually is. It's as if the developers were trying to develop a video game called "Walking: The Game" but the writers were too busy watching Quantum Leap to flush out a really great walking-centric storyline.
Seriously. The entire game is a mixture of walking and time traveling. There's a bit of shooting thrown in to spice things up, but, by comparison, the walking is far more fun. And just to put an exclamation point on this game's miserable gameplay, it's rife with graphical glitches and crashing.
Date: June 11, 2012
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*