VIDEO GAME BIOGRAPHIES
Mario Dearest Author:
from his recent success with best sellers "Princess
Peach: Bitch!" and "I Saw Bowser and
Toad Making Out Behind the Castle " Luigi
now turns his sights on big brother, Mario,
and the results are less than kind. There is
sure to be a Mushroom Cloud in the Kingdom after
this tell-all gossip fest.
Right after we did Super
Mario Bros on NES, Mario had already changed.
Addicted to pain-killers for his ass, Mario
was in constant pain and took it out on anyone
within earshot. I remember Shy Guy asking Mario
what was his problem was one day, and Mario
beat the living crap out of him with a baseball
bat. That's cold, man. The worst times were
when he was coming down off the mushroom high
of changing into Super Mario. Wicked bad scene.
I saw him once shoot fireballs out of his ass,
because he was so cranked up. When Super Mario
2 came out and the critics panned it at first
because it was so radically different, he went
on an eating and drinking binge that lasted
almost 8 months. We were being pressured by
that slave-driver Miyamoto to get back to work
for SM3, but Mario kept soiling himself and
puking on the set and finally production came
to a crashing halt when Mario carved the words
"Piss Off" in Miyamoto's back with
one of Samus Aran's weapons. That was nasty.
When Link heard what happened he showed up to
have it out with Mario, but Mario wouldn't come
out of his trailer. Finally Donkey Kong bust
in and stood on Mario's neck for about 12 hours.
That straightened him up pretty good. Those
days were pretty freaky, man. Those Pokemon
upstarts like Pikachu and that gooey pink mess
Kirby, don't know nothing of what it was like
back then. No clue.
No One Here Gets Out Alive
Author: Evil Otto
as told to Q-Bert
Evil Otto showed up on the scene, no one could
have imagined that this bright young happy kid
from fresh from Silicon Valley would be so cold
and calculating. But his intentions were made
clear soon enough...
When I was hired for Berzerk, I told those a-holes,
that I want to play it my way. Everyone was
pressuring me to look evil and mean, but when
I bounced out with that happy face, there wasn't
a heart beating in that room. That's no BS man!
I can tell you in complete honesty that the
smiley face idea was all mine. I read in a book
once that Nolan Bushnell took credit for creating
the character of "Evil Otto'. That's total
crapola. Everytime I turn around Nolan Bushnell
is taking credit for something else in the video
game industry. I was at a party not six months
ago, and Lara Croft comes up to me and says
that Bushnell pulls her aside and says, "If
it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here. How
about some appreciation baby?" Get out
of town! What a creep. Let me tell you this,
the only thing Bushnell ever created was a weak
liver and an industry full of enemies. Anyway,
where was I? Oh yeah, so they call me to do
Frenzy, the sequel to Berzerk, and I took one
look around and blew my freakin' top! I remember
bouncing up and down, shrieking, "You are
doing the same $#@% as last time! How about
making the walls electrified? Do something different!"
I was a mean mutha back then. I was actually
responsible for two actual deaths back in the
early 80's. Hey, I did my job. What can I say?
Block Like Me Author:
The Block From Adventure
on Atari 2600
in early 1980 by game designer and programmer
(and father of the Easter Egg's in videogames)
Warren Robbinett, Block was coming out of his
third marriage in as many weeks and hitting
the bottle heavily. His last paying gig was
as the bullets in "Gunslinger/Outlaw",
and was in heavy danger of being typecast. Robbinett
needed a hero and Block needed a job.
After Adventure, which
paid the bills for a couple of years, I was
asked to star as Superman's head in the Atari
2600 version of Superman. We must have negotiated
for weeks until finally they just walked away
from the table. I was stunned that they could
treat a superstar like that. I carried the whole
damn show in Adventure, I could have easily
played Superman's head! They hired this kid,
this nobody and I don't know if you played Superman
or not, but I mean, no offense, but the kid
screwed the game all up. He was a greenhorn
for Pete's sake!
But losing that job pretty much did in my career.
I drifted from one forgettable job to the next
and finally I got some work as a period in the
first version of Word Perfect. I spent my evenings
going to acting school to be more well-rounded,
but I was never much able to shed the Block
stigma. Although most of the 90's were crap,
I am happy to report that I will be appearing
in the upcoming sequel to Red Faction as some
exploded wall fragments! I've been working out
every day and I tell you, I was born to play
this role! Look out world, Block's back on top
Crashing The Party Author:
old saying, "There's room at the top. It's
at the bottom where eveything is crowded"
means a lot to C. Bandicoot. He was up against
insurmountable odds to be the next "Mascot".
Through sheer determination, he clawed his way
to the top of the heap, but it was a long hard
fall back down to reality....
Bubsy was at my pad the day the retail reports
came in. The figures told me that I was a bonafide
star, something that eluded Bubsy throughout
his short career. He looked at me, and with
tears in his eyes, asked me, "How does
it feel Crash? How does if feel to be loved?"
I couldn't even look at him; this pathetic fat
drunken "has been" sitting on my bed,
sprawled out with girlie mags and liquor bottles
all around... I just felt ashamed for him. I
glanced over at him which to this day I kind
a feel bad about, and said, "It would feel
a helluva lot better if you got your sorry Wooly
beating can out of my apartment. You're a huge
freakin' downer, cat," He was so out of
it, he just sat there and said nothing. I left.
I didn't find out until the next day that he
jumped out of the window, and left a big orange
mess. Poor guy. Well, it wasn't too long after
that episode that I began to resemble that pathetic
talentless moron, may he rest in peace. After
the success of Crash Team Racing I called up
Sonic & The L Shaped Piece From Tetris and
we got into some serious %$#@. I may not have
a lot of close friends in this business, but
L and Sonic are two of my favorite people. They
saved me from the brink of disaster...
Author: Evil Corporation:
there was anyone capable of thwarting our plans
for world domination, the plaque would have
to go to Master Ninja and all around nice guy,
Joe "Shinobi' Musashi.
even Godzilla, Spiderman or Batman (both under
Neo Zeed mind control) could stop Joe. He was
intent on taking us down, at any personal cost
to himself. We spent a boatload of cash on that
Godzilla robot and Joe took it down within 5
minutes of showing up. I remember looking at
the other Neo Zeed shareholders and saying,
"What the frig is it going to take to stop
this bad ass?" I mean, he could do these
insane triple jumps, send lightning from the
heavens, clone himself...and don't get me started
on those pain in the ass shurikens he used to
throw around. I mean, we are talking about a
guy who could actually kill himself and regenerate
on the spot. How do you fight something like
that? We were about to just throw in the towel,
give ourselves up, when the cleaning boy walks
in and says, "Why don't you capture his
girlfriend...that'll give you the upperhand..."
We were like, "Brilliant! You're a genius!"
Little do people know that that kid went on
to a life of infamy...you might remember him
as a certain M. Bison...Anyway, our last ditch
effort was Paintbrush head who we paid a generous
portion of cash to, and even though he was tough,
Joe found his weakspots and kicked his ass,
and saved his sweetheart from the lowering ceiling.
Sonuva...! We beat a hasty retreat out the backdoor.
I wasn't about to take a shuriken in the eye
again. No thank you.