TELL-ALL VIDEO GAME BIOGRAPHIES

Book: Mario Dearest Author: Luigi

Fresh from his recent success with best sellers "Princess Peach: Bitch!" and "I Saw Bowser and Toad Making Out Behind the Castle " Luigi now turns his sights on big brother, Mario, and the results are less than kind. There is sure to be a Mushroom Cloud in the Kingdom after this tell-all gossip fest.

Excerpt: Right after we did Super Mario Bros on NES, Mario had already changed. Addicted to pain-killers for his ass, Mario was in constant pain and took it out on anyone within earshot. I remember Shy Guy asking Mario what was his problem was one day, and Mario beat the living crap out of him with a baseball bat. That's cold, man. The worst times were when he was coming down off the mushroom high of changing into Super Mario. Wicked bad scene. I saw him once shoot fireballs out of his ass, because he was so cranked up. When Super Mario 2 came out and the critics panned it at first because it was so radically different, he went on an eating and drinking binge that lasted almost 8 months. We were being pressured by that slave-driver Miyamoto to get back to work for SM3, but Mario kept soiling himself and puking on the set and finally production came to a crashing halt when Mario carved the words "Piss Off" in Miyamoto's back with one of Samus Aran's weapons. That was nasty. When Link heard what happened he showed up to have it out with Mario, but Mario wouldn't come out of his trailer. Finally Donkey Kong bust in and stood on Mario's neck for about 12 hours. That straightened him up pretty good. Those days were pretty freaky, man. Those Pokemon upstarts like Pikachu and that gooey pink mess Kirby, don't know nothing of what it was like back then. No clue.

Book: No One Here Gets Out Alive Author: Evil Otto as told to Q-Bert

When Evil Otto showed up on the scene, no one could have imagined that this bright young happy kid from fresh from Silicon Valley would be so cold and calculating. But his intentions were made clear soon enough...

Excerpt: When I was hired for Berzerk, I told those a-holes, that I want to play it my way. Everyone was pressuring me to look evil and mean, but when I bounced out with that happy face, there wasn't a heart beating in that room. That's no BS man! I can tell you in complete honesty that the smiley face idea was all mine. I read in a book once that Nolan Bushnell took credit for creating the character of "Evil Otto'. That's total crapola. Everytime I turn around Nolan Bushnell is taking credit for something else in the video game industry. I was at a party not six months ago, and Lara Croft comes up to me and says that Bushnell pulls her aside and says, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here. How about some appreciation baby?" Get out of town! What a creep. Let me tell you this, the only thing Bushnell ever created was a weak liver and an industry full of enemies. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so they call me to do Frenzy, the sequel to Berzerk, and I took one look around and blew my freakin' top! I remember bouncing up and down, shrieking, "You are doing the same $#@% as last time! How about making the walls electrified? Do something different!" I was a mean mutha back then. I was actually responsible for two actual deaths back in the early 80's. Hey, I did my job. What can I say?

Book: Block Like Me Author: The Block From Adventure on Atari 2600

Discovered in early 1980 by game designer and programmer (and father of the Easter Egg's in videogames) Warren Robbinett, Block was coming out of his third marriage in as many weeks and hitting the bottle heavily. His last paying gig was as the bullets in "Gunslinger/Outlaw", and was in heavy danger of being typecast. Robbinett needed a hero and Block needed a job.

Excerpt: After Adventure, which paid the bills for a couple of years, I was asked to star as Superman's head in the Atari 2600 version of Superman. We must have negotiated for weeks until finally they just walked away from the table. I was stunned that they could treat a superstar like that. I carried the whole damn show in Adventure, I could have easily played Superman's head! They hired this kid, this nobody and I don't know if you played Superman or not, but I mean, no offense, but the kid screwed the game all up. He was a greenhorn for Pete's sake! But losing that job pretty much did in my career. I drifted from one forgettable job to the next and finally I got some work as a period in the first version of Word Perfect. I spent my evenings going to acting school to be more well-rounded, but I was never much able to shed the Block stigma. Although most of the 90's were crap, I am happy to report that I will be appearing in the upcoming sequel to Red Faction as some exploded wall fragments! I've been working out every day and I tell you, I was born to play this role! Look out world, Block's back on top baby!

Book: Crashing The Party Author: C. Bandicoot

The old saying, "There's room at the top. It's at the bottom where eveything is crowded" means a lot to C. Bandicoot. He was up against insurmountable odds to be the next "Mascot". Through sheer determination, he clawed his way to the top of the heap, but it was a long hard fall back down to reality....

Excerpt: Bubsy was at my pad the day the retail reports came in. The figures told me that I was a bonafide star, something that eluded Bubsy throughout his short career. He looked at me, and with tears in his eyes, asked me, "How does it feel Crash? How does if feel to be loved?" I couldn't even look at him; this pathetic fat drunken "has been" sitting on my bed, sprawled out with girlie mags and liquor bottles all around... I just felt ashamed for him. I glanced over at him which to this day I kind a feel bad about, and said, "It would feel a helluva lot better if you got your sorry Wooly beating can out of my apartment. You're a huge freakin' downer, cat," He was so out of it, he just sat there and said nothing. I left. I didn't find out until the next day that he jumped out of the window, and left a big orange mess. Poor guy. Well, it wasn't too long after that episode that I began to resemble that pathetic talentless moron, may he rest in peace. After the success of Crash Team Racing I called up Sonic & The L Shaped Piece From Tetris and we got into some serious %$#@. I may not have a lot of close friends in this business, but L and Sonic are two of my favorite people. They saved me from the brink of disaster...

Book: Enter Stalking Author: Evil Corporation: Neo Zeed

If there was anyone capable of thwarting our plans for world domination, the plaque would have to go to Master Ninja and all around nice guy, Joe "Shinobi' Musashi.

Excerpt: Not even Godzilla, Spiderman or Batman (both under Neo Zeed mind control) could stop Joe. He was intent on taking us down, at any personal cost to himself. We spent a boatload of cash on that Godzilla robot and Joe took it down within 5 minutes of showing up. I remember looking at the other Neo Zeed shareholders and saying, "What the frig is it going to take to stop this bad ass?" I mean, he could do these insane triple jumps, send lightning from the heavens, clone himself...and don't get me started on those pain in the ass shurikens he used to throw around. I mean, we are talking about a guy who could actually kill himself and regenerate on the spot. How do you fight something like that? We were about to just throw in the towel, give ourselves up, when the cleaning boy walks in and says, "Why don't you capture his girlfriend...that'll give you the upperhand..." We were like, "Brilliant! You're a genius!" Little do people know that that kid went on to a life of infamy...you might remember him as a certain M. Bison...Anyway, our last ditch effort was Paintbrush head who we paid a generous portion of cash to, and even though he was tough, Joe found his weakspots and kicked his ass, and saved his sweetheart from the lowering ceiling. Sonuva...! We beat a hasty retreat out the backdoor. I wasn't about to take a shuriken in the eye again. No thank you.