Game Character New Year's Resolutions
As 2013 kicks off, we’re all scrambling to make resolutions that will make us better people for the year ahead. Apparently, video game characters are doing the same thing. Here are eight resolutions from video game characters that we’re hoping they can keep.
Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)
Yep, I saved the universe in 2012, unless you messed up the choices I made. You didn't mess up the choices I made, did you? Either way, my work in the Mass Effect universe is done. I understand that many of you weren't very happy with the end of my story, but just imagine how I feel about it!
Resolution: I resolve to go on some normal dates that involve getting to know my romantic interest over drinks and dancing instead of desperate raids on enemy territory. I might punch another reporter too, just for fun.
It's-a me, Mario! Last-a year, I stomped-a some goombas, fell-a down some pits, played-a some tennis, saved-a the princess again, and-a became a multimillionaire. You know, plumber stuff. It's a good time!
Resolution: This-a year I'm-a going to install a state of the art security system and-a some armed turrets on the princess' castle.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)
I faced some controversy in 2012 when a Tomb Raider developer claimed he was designing me in a way that would make players want to “protect” me. I mean, what is this—2012 or 1588? Heck, even in 1588 Queen Elizabeth didn't need a king to protect her country from the Spanish Armada, so I certainly don't need paternalistic sentiment to protect me from a bunch of island yobbos. Have you seen what I can do with arrows?
Resolution: In 2013 I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum—and this entire island is out of bubblegum.
Han Solo (Kinect Star Wars)
Remember me? I'm Han Solo, intergalactic badass. I saved Skywalker's life. I've got the coolest alien dude ever as a partner. I won the heart of Princess Leia. And yes, I shot first. What I never, ever wanted to do was become the laughingstock of YouTube as the star of some cut-rate Kinect dance number with the worst lyrics since “I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lyin' on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You.”
Resolution: In 2013, I resolve to be re-frozen in carbonite before agreeing to be in another Star Wars video game. Unless it's LEGO Star Wars; those guys are okay by me.
Hey guys! In 2012 I was in some games that didn't completely suck! Only five to ten more years of this streak and maybe I can get back off gaming's D List and reclaim my place as Mario's greatest rival. I just have to keep this entourage of mine under control and... just a moment... No, I do not want a romance with a sexy cat-girl who will also be a controllable gimmick character to feature in Sonic: Revisioned!
Resolution: I'm going to run really fast in 2013! Maybe to the left this time—or is that a little too crazy?
Creature (The Last Guardian)
In 2012, I attained near-legendary status. Like the Loch Ness monster or the Yeti, I was rumored to be real, but little to no concrete evidence of my continued existence could be found. Hipster gamers everywhere long deeply for the touching story of my relationship with a little boy
Resolution: In 2013 I resolve to be featured in an otherwise unsatisfying trailer that shows little and promises nothing.
Master Chief (Halo)
I don't want to talk about 2012, ok? Not only would that involve massive spoilers, anybody who has played my latest game knows what I've been through and understands. At least we know my franchise is in good hands even after Bungie abandoned me to go work on some new epic space opera. Not that I'm bitter!
Resolution: I resolve to take a major nap this year, and nobody better wake me up until at least 2015. This ain't Call of Duty, you know.
Tom Nook (Animal Crossing)
Did you think you could be rid of me by paying off your debt in all those Animal Crossing games? Well, I'm back, baby, and I've turned over a new leaf. My latest game came out in Japan during 2012, and have you seen how many copies it's sold? Over two million in Japan alone. That's more than any 3DS Mario game! Just wait until you get the game in English and can see the brilliant new real estate scams I've cooked up.
Resolution: I already own your home. In 2013, I will own your soul.
Date: January 3, 2013
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*