I know this is probably going to be unpleasant, but I think we all need to take a short break from the constant stream of hackneyed happiness that is upper middle class existence to discuss a terrifying development; at some point in the next decade, a large portion of the Cheat Code Central readership will become saddled with the sloppy and unforgiving vocation of parenthood. And, even though I know that most of our readers are currently far too young and unpopular to have children of their own, statistics don't lie and biology is a force far stronger than nerdiness.
Now, I'm sure most of you plan to adopt the same parenting strategy that most our mothers and fathers employed: television. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for exposing future generations the same level of violence and depravity that our parents inadvertently endorsed. But if you're planning to be one of those "good" parents, there are a few pieces of entertainment that you might want to steer away from. Here are ten games you should keep away from children.
I recently had a conversation with a middle-aged, mustachioed man who, for some reason, began listing all of the games that his pre-teen son was currently obsessed with. Now, as someone who's sampled the God of War franchise, I was a bit surprised by when it was casually ranked near the top of his son's obsessions.
Well, it would be more accurate to say that I was surprised by the father's bohemian dismissal of the game's content. I mean, I would have given anything for a father who was indifferent toward endless parades of topless women and lesbian sex scenes, but I guess we can't all be quite as lucky as Junior.
Predictably, when I mentioned a few of the game's more controversial scenes, the ends of his mustache curled up slightly and he quickly went home to confiscate the title.
Mortal Kombat games have been offending people since Johnny Cage punched off the first pixilated head in 1992. However, unlike many fighting games, Mortal Kombat retains a healthy disconnect from reality. Its over-the top gore will probably never be mistaken for one of those Faces of Death videos that sociopathic kids were collecting in the 90s.
Though, there's still a chance that your kid isn't going to be able to tell the difference, and those friendship finishing moves might not make up for it.
Speaking of violent video games, not only does Left Behind: Eternal Forces sport a convert-or-kill motif for anyone who doesn't think like you, it also celebrates bigotry, misogyny, and a handful of those deadly sins that the Bible is always rattling on about.
Luckily, most gamers, Christian or not, dismissed Eternal Forces outright when it slouched its way onto the scene in 2006. And I suppose this what the developer should have expected. I mean, nothing makes a game less appealing than Kirk Cameron as your spokesman.
Remember all of those concerns I raised about nudity and lesbians when I was talking about God of War? Well, they all apply to Duke Nukem Forever as well. However, unlike God of War, DNK is an unplayable disaster, so there's really no reason your kid should be playing this game anyway.
In fact, if you catch your child playing Duke Nukem Forever, they should probably receive a more severe punishment than for most other nudity-related infractions. I'm not sure how parents are punishing their kids these days, but it seems like a couple of days locked in a dark closet should to the trick.
Self-important blowholes like Dr. Phil have been trying to convince the American people that violent video games give way to violent children, but psychological researchers haven't been able to find a tangible link between the two. And, even though we could easily make the case that games like Modern Warfare 3 are far too violent for young children, I'll admit that this game made the list for entirely selfish reasons.
Keep your stupid kids out of my favorite games. They're annoying.