If you think that I'm going to make some kind of complex argument about why Pikachu is annoying in the context of PokéPark 2, you're wrong. I believe that Pikachu is objectively annoying, and I challenge anyone to prove me wrong.
Also, you should know that by challenging me you put yourself into a category that I'm not sure you want to be a part of.
FF XIII-2 has to be the most apologetic game ever created. It feels like the publisher literally made a list of all the complaints people had made about XIII and set out to individually correct each one. However, apparently they forgot to write a coherent narrative or hire competent voice actors. Serah and Noel are two particularly outstanding offenders. Their story arcs are flat and every single emotion that they attempt to express makes me feel like I just peed my pants on the Jumbotron.
And that's not an emotion I care to feel again.
When Sony started showing off Little Deviants before the Vita's release, some of us were genuinely excited for the game. Sure, it was a flagrant excuse to show off some of the console's hardware, but somehow it seemed excusable. However, once the title actually showed up on the market, all we get was a collection of whiney little blobs who think they're good at everything but can't do anything right.
They never seem to stop complaining. Even when they're winning, they sound like they're upset with you about it. When I would fling one of Nintendo's Pikmin to an accidental death, the tiny scream would make me instantly regret my mistake. But when I'm controlling the Deviants, I find myself purposefully steering these little dillholes into the nearest electrified fence. And even when they eventually die, there's something incredibly unsatisfying about their lack of suffering.
Nothing frustrates a gamer more than poorly executed artificial intelligence. Anyone who played Warcraft 2 remembers watching their entire army get slaughtered because the A.I. decided to take a clever shortcut through the most dangerous area of the map. However, if you're ever unlucky enough to play Amy, Warcraft 2's A.I. will seem like a pleasant change of pace.
The worst part is that Amy's character is the focus of the entire game. Controlling her is the point, and she constantly gets you killed. This is all compounded by the fact that the game's checkpoint system always places you ten minutes in the past. It's like repeatedly taking a time machine back to a moment just before you get kneed in the groin.
$10 may seem cheap, but you'll probably feel differently after you smash your TV.
If you were ever curious about what it would look like for your face to be awkwardly glued on to a proportionally inappropriate body, this is the game for you. That is, if you also wanted to know what it would look like for your in-game self to lose repeatedly because your real-life self fell asleep at the controls out of boredom.
As far as I can tell, Reality Fighters is a game whose sole purpose is to remind us that we're uncoordinated losers who shouldn't get into an actual fight because our lack of control over limb movement would inevitably get our teeth knocked out.
Date: May 11, 2012
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*