"Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!" sprinkled with the occasional "Listen!" are all we got out of Link's monosyllabic companion. She was useful and stuck with us during some tough adventures, but no other character in the history of video games has made me want to play a game with the volume all the way down than Navi. She was invaluable, sure, but is it so much to ask for a little conversation? After an hour of Link's grunts and Navi's overuse of the word "Hey!" I feel like I need to take a break from the game so I can play something a little more dialogue-heavy.
As a whole, the Resident Evil series has brought us some incredible female characters. There's Jill Valentine, Sheva Alomar, Claire Redfield, Rebecca Chambers, Ada Wong, and so many more. It's a challenge to find a game in the series that doesn't have a strong femme fatale, capable of holding her own in situations where a majority of us would've fear-peed ourselves as we hauled ass into our mother's open arms. That's why Ashley Graham stands out so much, and for all the wrong reasons. In a sea of strong women, Ashley separates herself by being a snobby, pretentious brat who's entirely incapable of defending herself. Her remarkable ability to be utterly useless in any and every situation was so bad that the developer threw in an unlockable suit of armor you could have her wear so she couldn't get killed by a stray bullet or carried off by one of those creepy cult guys.
I'm sure I'll get a lot of heat for this one, but even the most hardcore of fighting game fans have to know how awful the characters in their games are, right? Right? You can't shake a weapon of your choosing without hitting a busty babe wearing skimpy clothing that's jaw-droppingly impracticable in real life, much less so in a situation where someone is actively trying to kill you. Then there are the multitudes of burly man-dudes, a majority of which I can't help but feel like they missed out on the role of a lifetime on Jersey Shore. Speaking of which, this babbling brook of disapproval leads well to number one...
Oh Duke, your last game might have been an abomination that didn't just fail as a game, but failed as an anything. The only positive thing I can hope that came out of Duke Nukem Forever is that gamers have finally realized what I knew all along—that the Duke is a psychopath. He's a relic of a dead era where a few explosions and some witty one-liners were enough to carry a game to greatness. As someone who has tickled the hornet nest that is the Duke Nukem fan base before, I know there are Duke fans out there who have undoubtedly joined the fighting game fans in picking up pitchforks and torches so they can march over to my house and make me pay for this blasphemy. Before you get up in arms, I'd like to ask if you have actually played Duke Nukem Forever. If you haven't, you should know that there is a section in the game where the Duke boards an alien spacecraft that's littered with women who are being raped, tortured, and humiliated on these alien pod-things. This actually happens. Forget the awful combat, the ugly graphics, and the multiplayer mode that has you slapping screaming women to get them to be quiet—the Duke finds women who are being raped before they're killed, then proceeds to joke about it. The Duke isn't cool and he certainly isn't funny, he's a vile psychopath that has no right existing.
Date: May 24, 2012
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*