Top 10 Terrible Gifts For Gamers
There’s a lot of last-minute gift giving going on right about now. And sure, you already have our wonderful Holiday Gift Guide to lead you to the greener pastures of gamer-related shopping. But we realize that in our diligence to point out gifts that you should buy for that special gamer in your life, we’ve forgotten to show you some of the pitfalls of this endeavor. So, in hopes to save a few of our gaming brethren from the disappointment of an embarrassingly awful holiday gift, here’s our list of ten things you definitely shouldn’t buy for a gamer this holiday season. Unless you hate them.
Come on, people, the holiday season is no time to be dropping hints about our gamer hygiene. Yeah, we probably smell pretty awful after that three-day Far Cry 3 binge, but don’t insult us with sticks of fragrant underarm goop that we probably won’t use anyway.
And you know what? We don’t call it a “Man Cave” because it smells of mountain flowers, spring breeze, or tropical mist. It smells of sweat and manliness. If you don’t like it, you can leave us to play Black Ops II alone in peace.
9. A Subscription to Nintendo Power
Now don’t get me wrong, this would have been a pretty great gift idea a couple years ago. Unfortunately, Nintendo Power has already released its final issue. That means that if you sent in $19.99 to empower us with the latest tidbits about one of gaming’s industry giants, you’re going to eventually wonder why your check was never cashed, and, more importantly, why that grandkid of yours never sent you a thank you card.
8. Mellow Yellow
Do you not know anything at all about gamers? We drink Mountain Dew, not that knockoff crap. “Well,” you argue, “it’s the same color. That makes it just as good, right?” No! You know what other liquid is just a few shades away from the glorious hue of Mountain Dew? Urine. Would you get someone urine as a Christmas gift? No? Then don’t buy us that watered down crap that insults us with its mocking insistence of looking sort of like our favorite beverage.
7. A Gym Membership
Okay, so last year you got us Wii Fit and we pretended to be excited. Well, you may have noticed that we gained a few pounds since then. Obviously, we’re not going to get in shape, even if we have a video game to help us do it. So what makes you think that we’re actually going to huff it down to the gym?
I hope you’re willing to either continue paying the monthly dues or else cough up a hefty cancellation fee, because you just wasted a ton of money that could have been better spent on, well, video games or something.
6. Shake Weight
Sigh. Take everything I just said about that gym membership and apply it to the Shake Weight. Only this thing has the added bonus of making us look like absolute tools. Yeah, the Shake Weight is one of the worst gift ideas ever, and it’s also the most insulting way you could possibly tell us that our arms look like spaghetti noodles. Thanks for the self-esteem killer, you sadistic psychopath.
Sure, these little hand warmers are cute, but come on, we’re gamers. We’re not planning on leaving the house anytime soon. What do we need mittens for? Besides, these fingerless hand prisons make it pretty damn difficult to hold onto a twin-stick controller.
4. Self-Help Books
Let’s make a few things clear. First of all, we gamers don’t care much for reading. That’s why most modern video games have gotten rid of text dialogue in favor of actual voice acting. Second of all, we aren’t all that interested in learning the ten secrets of successful people, knowing how to make friends and influence people, or even breaking ourselves from our own “mental prisons,” whatever those may be.
None of us wants to read a self-help book. Ever. So please don’t buy us one for a gift, because we’re going to probably sell that crap on eBay anyway.
3. Educational Games
As gamers, we obviously love video games. You know who hates video games, though? Pretty much anyone who loves education. So why would you have people who want nothing more than to cram knowledge and learning into our tiny little gamer brains try to make a video game? Or is this some sort of conspiracy to make us hate video games too?
Either way, there arguably hasn’t been an enjoyable educational game since the glory days of Number Munchers and Oregon Trail. And anyone old enough to remember those classics probably needs a walker rather than a video game that’ll teach them some learnin’.
Ah, I see what you did there. You thought of how much we gamers like cake, or even how much we enjoy making (horribly outdated—it’s almost 2013, for crying out loud) Portal-related jokes about cake. But let’s get one thing straight here: Fruitcake is not cake. There’s no frosting, and it has fruit in it. How did this ever become a popular holiday gift idea? In fact, how is fruitcake even a thing?
1. Three Copies of Battleship
No one should ever, under any circumstances, own a copy of the game Battleship. But we’re pretty sure that the oblivious non-gamer relatives in our lives will see the cover and remember how much fun they had with the board game version of Battleship as kids. And you could argue that they’re trying to do you a solid by spreading the love to a new generation. Unfortunately, this atrocious video game version has very little to do with the actual board game. It’s a godawful game based off a godawful movie that was based very loosely off a board game that no one cares about anymore.
And you know what’s worse than getting one copy? Getting three copies, all from various relatives who have no idea which console you even own.
Editor / Social Media
Date: December 19, 2012
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*