Just about every game contains some flaws that annoy the average gamer, but when those annoyances are found in abundance, the game can ruin your life. Sure, that sounds dramatic, but it's easy to take out an eye when your controller rebounds off the drywall.
By no means comprehensive, the following list of annoyances contains elements that every gamer should relate to. I can't cover them all in one article, but not to worry; I'll get around to your favorite gaming-related annoyance eventually.
Leaps of Faith – These occur when you attempt to jump across a chasm into the unknown. Logic tells you there should be some solid real estate for your character to land on, but logic isn't a requirement in a video game. You will usually have to sacrifice a life into the lava below to see what lies ahead for next time. It's like going on a blind date where you already know in advance things are going to get ugly.
Trial and Error – This type of gameplay involves Leaps of Faith and other maddening elements. Games such as these require you to continually sacrifice lives by guessing what you should do next, and learning from your mistakes. Only psychics could enjoy this kind of gameplay.
Checkpoint Interruptus – This will ensure that you log many extra hours on a game by being forced to repeat stages over and over. No matter how good a fight you put up in the insanely difficult twenty-minute level, you're going to get killed immediately before reaching the checkpoint. What a great way to turn an hour game into a week from Hell. (More on Hell later.)
The Omnipotent A.I. – Sometimes enemy A.I. knows your every move. Literally. You are entering commands into the very processor that is attempting to beat you. Of course it knows you're crouching under the stairwell. Of course the enemy can hit you from a moving vehicle at a distance of one mile in the pouring rain. Playing against the Omnipotent A.I. is like playing poker where everyone else can see your hand—like they do when you play online poker.
Unskippable Cutscenes – These can lead to neurosis, especially when any of the abovementioned elements trigger another relentless viewing. I'm sure we all know many cutscenes by memory. My memory banks are filled to capacity with scenes comprised of stilted voice acting and cornball dialogue. It's bad enough I have to replay the level, but having to sit through that cutscene over and over is the Seventh Ring of Hell.
Which brings me to:
The Seventh Ring of Hell – This only applies to people such as myself: video game reviewers. This is our own personal Hell. Whereas most people can eject a game from their machine when sufficiently annoyed, myself and other game reviewers are forced to play it to the bitter end. We do this for you. I have wasted years of my life playing awful games so you don't have to. It's the Hell I endure because I care. I care about getting paid. I could care less about you. It's you that makes me suffer through these games. And for making me suffer, you will be punished in Hell. That's the deal. I'm surprised you didn't know that. Have a great day.
By Cole Smith
CCC Senior Contributing Writer
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*