Weekly Rant: RPGs Suck

Weekly Rant: RPGs Suck



Excessive pleasure leads to pain.

Consider a typical RPG. It can last for more than 40 hours, compared to an average video game, which can be played in a few days. But don't think you're getting bang for your buck because an RPG lasts forever. Quantity does not necessarily equal quality.

Perhaps you're an RPG enthusiast (notice how I politely avoided calling you a nerd), and you can't understand why I don't want to immerse myself in a game for a few years. Well, imagine making a living reviewing video games where you get paid the same for each game. Now imagine getting assigned a few platformers and puzzle games that only take a day to play. Then the following week, you get an RPG to review. Imagine the swearing you'll do as the plot meanders on and on and on and on.

Weekly Rant: RPGs Suck

Much of the content in an RPG is redundant. You walk around virtual environments, many of which contain recycled backgrounds, each perhaps thinly disguised with a few additional scary trees or a swamp or something. As you navigate the maze, you bump into stereotypical characters and engage them in conversation. These characters are often less imaginative than people you would meet in Walmart. Continuing on, you end up fighting an assortment of freaks and other rapscallions. This also happens in RPGs.

Fight the evil clones (because they all look identical), earn some points, buy some upgrades, lather, rinse, repeat, regurgitate. But if forty plus hours aren't enough for you, there's the Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (with the word "Persistent" thrown in somewhere for good measure). This style of game is endless, if you can get past the psychotic 15-year old kid with his completely leveled-up character waiting to beat your newly spawned ass into the ground.

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RPGs always involve the same class of characters trapped within a hackneyed premise. It always involves a wizened, world-weary wizard searching for rare ingredients to create a magical elixir or device to destroy the race of behemoths terrorizing the kingdom. That premise is so overdone I would gladly play an RPG that involves a mundane mortgage broker climbing his way up the corporate ladder. He makes friends with the stockroom boy, janitor, accountant, and Fred from Acquisitions. Leveling up from various promotions and awards, they arm themselves with sharpened pencils, broomsticks, brass paperweights, and scalding turkey soup from the commissary. With a newly acquired used Honda Prius, courtesy of Fred from Acquisitions, they prepare for the ultimate battle between the evil CEO and his Board of Directors.

Weekly Rant: RPGs Suck

There are some good RPGs out there, but like songs, TV shows, and women, there are more bad ones than good ones. So to Final Fantasy XIII-2, Dancing With the Stars, "Friday" by Rebecca Black, and my last girlfriend: see ya'll in Hell!!

By Cole Smith
CCC Senior Contributing Writer

*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*

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