I don't dislike kids, but I must admit I'm not too friggin' fond of pre-teen gamer kids who can kick my butt at video games.
It's an epidemic. Kids these days seemingly demonstrate innate gaming ability, something akin to Zen. That's not something I can compete with. I don't attribute this phenomenon to genetics, but bad parenting. If a child's first word is "Kirby," then perhaps mom and dad better conduct an intervention, although it's probably too late at that point. The poor baby's neural network has symbiotically fused with the e-neural mapping of the game's codes. This can spell trouble for guys like me, and it needs to be stopped.
Getting my arse whooped by a kid, at first, was embarrassing. Then it turned to shame. Later I went through anger, denial, and ultimately despondency. It took some therapy, but I've finally come to terms with my emotions, immediately after I dealt with feelings of rage and revenge. Part of me wanted to become so great at gaming no one could possibly beat me, and the other part of me just wanted to kick the little bastards. Thankfully cooler heads, and the threat of imprisonment, prevailed.
Less time on the game, and more time outdoors is what's required for these hellions. Why the hell don't you kids get a paper route? Preferably in the slums. Or how about learning to ride a unicycle, or pogo stick, in a minefield? Playing on the frozen lake during the spring thaw can be loads of fun. Jumping the fence and petting crocodiles at the zoo will certainly prove what a courageous soul you are. And if you wish really, really hard, it's possible to fly from the roof of your garage. That's how all the superheroes started. Remember to consult your parents before you engage in any of these activities, not that they would care what you do anyway.
Kids under the age of thirteen need supervision when it comes to gaming. Gaming time should be limited to fifteen-minutes a day, pending good behavior such as completing various backbreaking, slave-like chores. It needs to be instilled upon them that nothing good will ever come from a lifetime of gaming. You can't make a living out of playing…err…nevermind. What I mean is you can't make a "good" living playing video games. Now excuse me while I run to catch the bus to my part-time job at Wal-Mart… in the kids section.
CCC Senior Contributing Writer
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*