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Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Review for PS Vita

Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Review for PS Vita

Ender’s Shame

Having to review an Earth Defense Force game is always somewhat awkward. You see, the EDF series has always been famously bad while still being legitimately fun to play. And that makes it a difficult thing to have to tack a numbered score onto.

This matter is more complicated by the fact that these games almost revel in being bad. This isn’t a case of, say, Black Ops: Declassified, where we’re led to believe that, at some point in time, someone started out with the intention of making a legitimately good game. But EDF is intentionally bad (or, at least this is the impression I got back when I talked to the guys at D3 Publisher about it), and that’s something different entirely.

Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Screenshot

In fact, playing EDF almost feels like you’re being trolled by its developers, and anyone who gives an EDF game a terrible score is probably just bitter that they aren’t in on the joke.

So you can imagine the aneurism of existential dread that hit me when a copy of Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable slid across my desk and landed in my review pile. Now, I should point out that this isn’t a brand new game, but an upgraded portable version of the 2007 Xbox 360 game of the same title (minus the word “Portable” of course.) For the sake of full disclosure, I’ll be honest and say that I never did play the 360 version, though I did play Insect Armageddon with the folks at D3 a couple years back.

So let me start by saying that if you’re looking for a serious triple-A blockbuster, or another example of games as art, you’re going to want to look elsewhere. If you’re looking for something that will kill your brain cells while you giggle like a schoolgirl and drool, then you might actually be interested in this. In fact, there’s another demographic that I think this game would truly be appreciated by: those in school for game development. You see, EDF stands as an example of exactly how not to make a game.

The premise is simple: You’ll embark on a series of missions as a part of the world-famous Earth Defense Force as you battle an army of giant bugs from space. Later on, you’ll even have to bring down UFOs and gigantic walking mechs. Yes, it’s absurd, but that doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining.

Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Screenshot

It all has this campy feel, like a 1950s monster movie taken to the extreme. This fact is underscored by the voice acting, which is downright terrible. Not only does the dialogue feel like it was written by a five-year-old, but the voice actors deliver it with an ironic cheesiness that almost tops the early PSOne era. Remember how bad the original Resident Evil’s voice acting was? Well, EDF sounds just as bad. And to make it even worse, the ambient dialogue is randomized, more often than not causing soldiers to say things that don’t even make sense in the context of whatever’s happening on your screen. It’s gloriously bad.

The graphics don’t disappoint. By this, I mean they’re just as bad as any of the game’s other elements. The polygon counts are absurdly low, making the giant bugs look like monstrosities from the PSOne era and the playable characters look like lanky, deformed humanoids of some sort. Of course, the giant robots and flying battleships actually don’t look all that bad, which is really just more confusing than anything else.

Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Screenshot

And the controls are terrible as well. Dear lord, they’re awful. Whoever decided to assign jumping to a shoulder button should either get fired (if they did this obliviously) or a massive pay raise (if they did this ironically). It’s a bad enough design decision to be legitimately hilarious. There are vehicles available to pilot in some stages—like mechs, helicopters, and hoverbikes—but you’ll most likely pass them by rather than try to figure out how to use them. You see, the controls for each vehicle are radically different, and they practically feel random in some instances. They’re so, so bad.

Even the Trophy system feels like it’s set up to be frustrating. You see, almost all of the Trophies are hidden until you acquire them, which means you’ll either just play until you find yourself unintentionally earning them, or you’ll look them up online. Seriously, I have no idea why you’d make something like “Kill 1,000 ants” into a Hidden Trophy. Is the fact that you’ll kill over 1,000 ants in an EDF game really going to be considered a spoiler by anyone ever?

But all of these elements, as terrible as they are, really only make the game more enjoyable. In a self-aware, ironic kind of way, of course. But all this aside, EDF 2017 Portable is still a ton of fun, and the portable format seems to be a perfect fit for the game’s bite-sized missions.

Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable Screenshot

On each mission, you will select two weapons and mow down armies of giant bugs, mechs, flying saucers, or some combination of these things. Downed enemies will randomly drop power-ups that either restore a bit of health, permanently grant access to a new weapon, or permanently increase your max hit points (or Stamina, as the game so oddly calls it) by a single point. The latter is actually incredible, as you can usually pick up between ten and twenty of these per mission. So every time you play one of these micro-missions, you are increasing your stats by a tiny bit.

If you want to grind, you can replay completed levels on different difficulty settings. There are five difficulty settings per level, and completing one on any difficulty will grant you one medal. (And only one medal. If you beat the game, say, on Hard, you’ll still have to replay it on Normal and Easy to get the Normal and Easy medals.) To top it off, the higher the difficulty level, the better the random weapon drops will be. I didn’t earn every single weapon in the game, but I’ve been told there are over 230 of them. Geez Louise!

Essentially, all of this works together to make a game that is damn near endlessly replayable. The short mission structure keeps you in that “just one more game” mindset, and the tiny increases in hit points (I mean Stamina) make every mission feel like you’re accomplishing something. If you try out one of the harder difficulty settings and just can’t seem to beat it, you can always grind for a bit on the easier modes and come back to it later.

All the while, you’ll find yourself laughing out loud at just how bad all of this is.

So there you have it. I reviewed an EDF game without writing anything that will have the game’s developers laughing at me behind my back. I get the joke, guys. Or, at least I think I do. The thing is, I had a ton of fun with Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable, and, as long as you don’t try to take it seriously, there’s actually an enjoyable experience buried under all these layers of campy schlock.

RATING OUT OF 5 RATING DESCRIPTION 2.0 Graphics
So very bad. 1.5 Control
Driving a vehicle is so counterintuitive that you’ll probably skip vehicles entirely. And who decided to assign jumping to a shoulder button? 4.0 Music / Sound FX / Voice Acting
The voice acting is so cheesy that you’ll have to cover your mouth to not be that weirdo on the bus who keeps laughing out loud for no apparent reason. 4.0 Play Value
EDF 2017 is absolutely mindless, but it’s also a ton of fun. Power-up acquisition is set up to make missions worth playing over and over. 3.2 Overall Rating – Fair
Not an average. See Rating legend below for a final score breakdown.

Review Rating Legend
0.1 – 1.9 = Avoid 2.5 – 2.9 = Average 3.5 – 3.9 = Good 4.5 – 4.9 = Must Buy
2.0 – 2.4 = Poor 3.0 – 3.4 = Fair 4.0 – 4.4 = Great 5.0 = The Best

Game Features:

  • Join the legendary Earth Defense Force and battle against giant alien robots and hordes of creepy insects in 60 missions.
  • Squash all bugs in your path with over 230 explosive weapons, such as the Acid Gun, Flame Cannon, and ZER-GUN.
  • Team up with – or tear down – your friends in action-packed multiplayer modes for up to four players.

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