when videogame weren't supposed to be good for you?
takes all the fun out of your PS2 as it tries to get
you into shape. Hey, most of us gamers are in shape
- the shape of the capital letter "O" -
or at the very least, the small letter "b."
So leave us the hell alone.
doubtful that many gamers will take this exercise
regime seriously. It will likely be mothers that will
be interested in it when they see it in Wal-Mart and
realize that they can use one of their son's, Kyle,
three PS2s. After all, she bought them all for him.
He's got one in the living room, one in the rec room
and one in his bedroom. She felt so sorry for him
lugging that heavy thing around just so he could play
it on the big screen TV when all of his "uncles"
went home or passed out on the couch. After all, Kyle
doesn't have a father around since mommy got caught
playing games of her own with some guys from work.
is the virtual trainer. She's everything most women
aren't. She's happy, knowledgeable and in-shape. Take
that Shelby and Dameia.
learn things such as how to reach your target heart
range. Hey, if my heart's still beating that's what
I consider "in range." The program takes
things into account such as weight, height, age and
sex. I found out that I'm the perfect weight. Now
all I have to do is grow another three-and-a-half
feet. Ba' Ding! When it came to the age and sex thing,
the program told me I was too old and I told it to
%*&# off. Ba' Da' Ding Ding!!
are 500 different exercises. Unfortunately it doesn't
include getting off the couch to put the disk in the
machine as one of them. That's more exercise than
I usually get just watching TV with the remote duct
taped to my wrist so my wife can't get at it. Sometime
I'm even too lazy to get off the couch and drag over
a crate of potato chips and a case of Pepsi. Besides,
after all that eating and drinking I would just have
to get up and go to the can eventually. We all know
how exhausting that can be.
are flexible stretching exercises that even Gumby
couldn't do. I haven't seen my feet for 12 years.
Not that I ever use them, mind you. If I got rid of
them altogether I could actually nap on the loveseat.
And that's one less pair of laundry items I would
have to do.
all this kidding around I actually took the game seriously
for a week. Just to give it a chance. I couldn't believe
the results. I was more active than I've ever been
and I lost close to 20 pounds. Just kidding! I didn't
do any of these exercises and I probably never will
unless the doctor forces me to - and that's why I'm
not making any appointments to see the doctor anytime
soon. Out of sight, out of mind I always say.
has a routine all laid out for me. She knows I'm a
big boy and I need to get some cardio going. To tell
you the truth, the pace of the routines is on the
fast side. I would probably have a heart attack if
I just jumped into this level of intensity. I would
have to spend a few months getting in shape just to
start getting into shape - and we all know that's
not going to happen. Perhaps if I could just spend
one whole day getting into shape I might be able to
sacrifice nine hours. But if you think I'm going to
spend six months jumping up and down and eating lettuce
soup you can keep your size 34 pants. Man's new best
friend is sweatpants. No matter how much you eat they
always love you and never point out your flaws like
jeans that force your shame to hang over the belt
loops for all to see.
yoga is more my speed. I can sit and stare at my computer
for hours with nary a thought in my head when I'm
supposed to be constructing a review. But of course
you aren't suppose to enjoy exercise and that's why
you have to arrange your legs in an uncomfortable
position like a polio victim. How am I suppose to
think of nothing when my damn legs hurt like hell?
All I can think of is how to murder Maya and get away
with it. She doesn't really exist so I can't kill
her. But if she doesn't really exist, why am I letting
here put me through all this torture. Who's the idiot
around here anyway?
should qualify that last paragraph. It's based on
a fantasy, "what if" premise. I didn't really
put my legs in a funny position, I just imagined what
it would feel like if I did. Imagination is priceless,
for everything else there is reality.
watched as Maya went through the entire ordeal, also
known as a workout. She's so stupid she didn't even
know that I was eating a plateful of crackers and
cheese in a prone position. At the end of the workout
she revealed how many calories I had supposedly burned.
Not even enough to take care of my cheese and crackers
micro-meal. What's the point? I don't have enough
time in my life left to burn off my excess calories.
Not unless I stopped eating right now - forever.
is very well-rendered. She's smooth, sleek and lithe.
I wouldn't mind having sex with her. Considering how
stupid she is that just might be a possibility. I
hope she likes cheese and crackers.
imagine that anyone following the routines laid out
here will reap some kind of physical benefits as well
as a general state of well being. However, physically
fit people with positive attitudes aren't welcome
in my world. It's so damn easy to feel good when you're
in shape - what the hell kind of challenge is that?
What kind of critic would I be if I was always in
a good mood? I've got a job to do here and I don't
need any life-sustaining program to tamper with my
professionally cultivated hostilities.
isn't a game - it's a way of ruining someone's life.