In video games, you can do anything. You can go from your crappy job at the office and become the baddest space marine in the galaxy. You can play with gadgets and weapons almost nobody gets to touch in real life. Yuo can even transcend humanity and walk in the shoes of the inhuman. You can also, well, you can do weird sex stuff.
Somewhere along the way, we humans decided that not only was anthropormorphizing animals for cartoons and stuff a good idea (I mean, why not), we also decided human-like animal characters needed to be sexy. Sometimes it seems like a joke, sometimes well, there’s a reason “don’t get high on your own supply” is a mantra worth living up to. Here are ten of the most famous examples of animals video game designers had…feelings(?) for.
Okay, let’s get Rare out of the way first. Rare is sort of the ultimate in anthropormorphic animals and, by consequence, the reigning kings of being weirdly horny about animals. Candy Kong is a prime example of a character who stood out in a world of otherwise fairly ape-like apes. Candy not only has much more human-like body structure compared to fellas like Donkey and Diddy, but she also has ridiculous features I don’t need to draw extra attention to. I think there might be a gag here, but it’s hard to take that at face value as the series goes on.
Yep, still picking on Rare. This character is perhaps the most famous of the bizarre, sexy video game animals. That’s because, well, Krystal has a fanbase. The less said about it, the better, but let’s just say I realized what I thought would be a funny list idea was immediately a mistake when it came time to gather assets. I will never unsee the things I have seen. Just look at this image. It’s an official render, for goodness’ sake.
Let’s move over to the next lowest-hanging fruit, the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Known for awkward, anime-like character relationships and weird crossover stuff with the human world, it should come as no surprise that a character with cleavage was eventually introduced. Here’s fancy, sultry, thief lady Rouge, who has the most cleavage you’ll ever see on a bat. Is she wearing makeup, or do her eyelids just look that way naturally? Why is the answer probably both?
Crash Bandicoot is ultimately about genetic experimentation on animals. With Crash, the orange marsupial ended up with a sort of rage tweak and jorts. With Tawna, she’s basically Jessica Rabbit meets Dukes of Hazard . The 90s were a dark time, but luckily animals aren’t intelligent enough to understand what’s happening here. The secondhand embarassment probably would’ve caused an uprising by now.
The Sly Cooper series is all about animals as smarmy criminals, so of course there are sexpot women characters. Just look at Carmelita; this design would be ridiculous even if she was a regular human. Why is her police badge a kinky collar? Why is… you know, never mind, actually. Excess is always going to be a factor in games, and that’s fine, really. It’s just, there’s a lot to unpack here, you know?
I’ve included this one mostly because of the fanbase, and not the actual content of the game. Gardevoir is pretty unusual for a Pokemon character, though. Usually, the little beasties are based on some aspect of reality somehow, while Gardevoir here is just sort of a whispy, person-like entity. One that looks enough like a human woman that fans on the internet did, well, the thing that fans on the internet do when they get a hold of such a character design. Sigh.
Princess What’s Her Name
Whenever I see a bee, I think, “Oh, it’s a bee. That’s nice. I’m glad this bee is out here pollinating flowers and helping me stay alive in this ecosystem. Thanks, bee! Just please don’t sting me.” I feel like that’s pretty normal. Things like, “Man, I wish this bee was a hot lady with bee cleavage,” seem a little extreme. Earthworm Jim is weird and all, but it sure isn’t subtle at all how when it comes to how all the characters are weird and gross looking except for the one lady. Funny how that works out. All the time. With every example here.
Felicia from Capcom’s Darkstalkers series comes from a similar school of thought to Princess What’s Her Name. That said, there’s a stark difference here, and that’s how there’s zero attempt to masquerade this particular brand of horny as a bit. Felicia is just pure, unabashed, “I want to know this lady who is also a cat biblically” energy. And, of course, Felicia is one of Capcom’s most popular characters. Go figure!
Look, I get it. I understand. I grew up watching Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers like everyone else did. I watched Space Jam . Perhaps the human brain is capable of separating the “these are animals” part from the “sexy character design” part. But there has to be a line. And personally? I draw that line at fish. The idea of being attracted to a person composed of fishiness is just repulsive to me. But someone at Nintendo is the first to line up, apparently.
Japan has this whole thing about bunny girls, which are women dressed in skimpy leotard gimmicks with fishnets and bunny ear headbands. You see that all the time in anime and stuff. But Square Enix just had to take it a step further. by Introducing the Viera race in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance , the headband became flesh and blood, and the bunny girl became an actual bunny girl. There are bunny men too apparently, but we’ve never seen one. Final Fantasy XII took the whole Viera thing another step further with Fran, who is actually a cool character. But, also, she’s maximally sexy. I apologize to all of the actual bunnies out there for my peoples’ crimes against them.