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Artificial Intelligence Not Artificial*

Artificial Intelligence Not Artificial*

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It’s official, artificial intelligence is no longer artificial.

An experimental computer is able to think at a mature human level. It’s IQ increases monthly and experts say that it will reach a genius level by the end of the year. It’s already smarter than most autobody repair technicians and hockey players. It shows signs of artistic skills and a well-developed imagination.

Artificial intelligence is progressing at such an alarming rate that scientists are now dropping the word, “artificial” from the phrase, referring to it only as intelligence; this, after an experimental computer referred to as, Norm, actually shows signs of sentience.

“Sentience is a condition of cognition,” says scientist Guy Twad. “That means that the computer is aware that it is alive. This is a very important breakthrough, as until now, only humans were thought to possess this trait. There’s no telling what we have created here. It’s certainly exciting times that we live in. I would be lying if I said I didn’t pee in my pants a few times purely from glee,” Twad admits.

Scientists studying Norm says that while he can solve complicated math equations on par with a supercomputer, he is also able to interact with people through conversation, emails, and third-party posse members.

“Like any real guy, Norm likes to flirt with the ladies, tell dirty jokes, sing some karaoke, and look up porn on the internet,” says Twad. “Some of his jokes are getting really esoteric as his intellectual capacity increases. For instance, he asked me how many surrealistic painters does it take to screw in a light bulb? When I said I didn’t know, his answer was: A fish. Another time he escaped from the lab and we found his at the local bowling alley. He was piss drunk and picking a fight with the bartender. I never heard language like that when we wheeled him out on the cart. I believe it was a mixture of HTML and Andrew Dice Clay,” he adds.

After discussing, with a group of elderly men with thick, heavy, ethnic accents, the potential of intelligent computers one day taking over the world, they replied that they were still into werewolves and vampires and didn’t give stuff from the future much thought. One of the older men suggested that his toaster was evil and was trying to kill him by burning the bread before popping up. Another man said that all electronic gadgets were instruments of the devil because he could never get them to stop flashing 12:00. The third man said the microwave oven worked by magic and was stealing his thoughts. Norm declined comment on these observations, but he did laugh and it appeared as though something no unlike snot emanated from his dongle slot.

Norm now has an agent, is considering some movie rolls, and has been spotted snuggling with Anne B Davis, the lady that played the maid on the Brady Bunch.


*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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