Prime Mate – The Next Online Sensation?

Prime Mate – The Next Online Sensation?


Even a monkey can play it. Literally.

What’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Prime Mate Online, a new online gaming site where you actually play games against real monkeys, in real time. It’s part of a research and training program designed to enhance the interactive skills and increase the intelligence of our closest relatives, the primate.

Prime Mate Online is free. All you have to do is sign up. You will be obligated to engage in two hours of gaming a month against various primates including chimps, gorillas, orangutans, and baboons. Games are limited to a few genres so as not to get the primates too riled. Most of the games involve strategy and puzzles, with a few platformers for variety. They also enjoy musical games such as Dance Dance Revolution and the whole Guitar Hero genre. Karaoke-style singing games are restricted due to the primates’ horribly screechy vocal styling.

Sponsored by the Kevin Trudeau Collegiate of Philanthropy, this project is specifically designed to help primates “evolve.” Collegiate Dean Ben Gaze says research shows rapid intellectual development in primates when engaged in gaming.

“It’s like magic,” Gaze exclaims, “Gaming stimulates the primates’ learning mechanisms with the most amazing results. They learn more in an hour gaming session than they would in an entire lifetime in the wild. It’s taken us years to learn their language, through signing. Now that we understand each other, they took to gaming like hobos to whiskey. This is a great learning experience for primates and humans alike.”

Creationists are not amused, claiming that this project will interfere with God’s work. They are concerned with the creation of an army of super-smart soldier monkeys that may take over the Earth. They cite the Planet of the Apes movies as evidence of what may happen if we aren’t careful.

“We want monkeys to stay right where they are,” says Creationist Zell Lott, “In cages, where we throw peanuts at them, and they make us laugh with their funny antics. I need to feel superior to a monkey. I still don’t even have a DVD player, never mind a computer. These monkeys are already online, and I can’t stop my VCR from flashing 12:00.”

*This is presented as CheatCC’s weekly “Are You Stupid Enough to Believe It” news story.*

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