SpoilSport – Super Smash Bros.

SpoilSport – Super Smash Bros.

Uhhh… you do realize that this game doesn’t have a plot to spoil right? I know the N64 version kind of had a plot but… well OK I’ll give it a shot.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away… nothing happened because this game takes place in a child’s mind. A child played with his Nintendo themed action figures, making them beat the crap out of each other, much like children do. He made them fight on a bunch of different levels and utilize a lot of different items and eventually they fought against his hand in one grand bid for survival.

Then Nintendo basically forgot this story and added a second hand, some weird mutated bowser, strange Kingdom Hearts like shadow beings, a hive mind of black amorphous who knows what, and a million new characters that you will likely ignore because, seriously, no items, Fox only, Final Destination .

Smash is a fantastic game that teaches us a valuable life lesson: you don’t have to be good at what you are doing to triumph over someone who is better than you. Nintendo created a game where there are any number of ways to die, from stage hazards, to stage bosses, to spawning exploding items, to items that just randomly lift you off the screen, to completely unbalanced final smashes, to Pokémon, to Assist trophies, to moving stages that just drop the floor out from underneath you, and in the midst of all of this, you still have to be wary of pushing a button lest the other players run up behind you and stab you in the back. In the end, it’s all dumb luck and favoritism, just like real life.

IF you can manage to find a group of three other people who don’t mind dying to random explosions in time matches, then you will have a fun time, good for you. Otherwise, you can go for option 2, becoming a pro. To become a pro you need to learn how to short hop, fast fall, auto cancel, low aerial, advancing neutral air, advancing back air, chain grab, wave-dash if you are playing melee, directional influence, ground cancel, ground tech, edge tech, spike, edge spike, edge hog, edge cancel, shield grab, z-cancel, DACUS, momentum cancel, jab fake, desynch with the ice climbers, wall jump, stall, grab release combo, power shield, pivot, double jump cancel, wall tech, triangle jump, dash dodge, drop jump, dosido, brain surgery, bacon egg and cheese, kill the president, work that body work that body make sure you don’t hurt nobody, and block. Once you have those techniques down, then you can start considering a run at the pro circuit.

Pro-playing also means giving up basically ninety percent of the game. You’ll never play any character other than the 4 most top tier characters. You’ll never play in matches other than 1v1, 3 stock matches. You’ll ignore almost all of the game’s stages because they cause you to fight the stage more than your opponent. You’ll never see an item in your life. Smash run? DITCH IT! Smash Party? Who needs it! 8 person smash? Not on your life! Forget custom moves! Forget equipment! Forget Amiibos! It’s just you and your opponent in a battle to the death, the way it should be!

Oh yeah, and in addition to giving up ninety percent of the game’s content, you’ll also give up ninety percent of the game’s players, as most of them will hate you for beating them and refusing to play the ninety percent of the game that they love.

… It’s a family game! Everyone is happy!

SpoilSport – Super Smash Bros.

So get ready for the most fun you can have for 60 dollars. Of course, if you want to use your gamecube controllers, you’ll have to get the Gamecube Controller Adapter, which is another 20 dollars. Then you’ll have to get the new Smash branded controllers and those are 30 dollars each, and you’ll probably want 4 of them. Actually come to think of it, Smash now allows eight people to play at the same time, so make that eight of them. Oh crap, that means you’ll need a second converter too cause they only allow you to connect 4 controllers at once. And… come to think if it you probably don’t own a Wii U yet, so you’ll have to pick up one of those for 350 dollars too. Oh, and you’ll need the 40 dollar 3DS version to unlock MewTwo. Soooo, yeah let me do some math here… carry the one… Yes! Smash is the most fun you’ll ever have for the low, low price of 730 dollars! That might sound expensive, but I bet you there are people out there dropping that much money and more on this game right now.

And I didn’t even factor in the cost of Amiibos! Who wouldn’t want to integrate 13 dollar Skylanders ripoffs into their Nintendo fighting game!

It’s the biggest fighting game event of the year! Except for Guilty Gear Xrd of course.

Its Super Smash Bros. : It Doesn’t Really Matter Because You Are Going To Hate This Game Since It Isn’t Melee But Nintendo Owns Your Soul So You Are Going To Buy It Anyway Edition! Get yours today!

Oh and then the credits roll or something. I told you this game didn’t have a story! Next time you want me to spoil a fighting game, give me Persona or something!

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