Video games are almost always about the everlasting conflict between good and evil. And sometimes, they also cover the everlasting conflict between two characters who are constantly butting heads. If you’re the hero of the story, usually you spend most of the game chasing or reacting to the bad guy. And conversely, if you’re the bad guy, you usually have some kind of overarching goal or evil plan. But even if a bad guy is rivaling their protagonist nemesis, it doesn’t mean their evil plans are effective… or even good in the first place. Here’s a list of some of the worst evil plans in video games.
Eggman (Sonic Unleashed)
By the time Sonic Unleashed was, you know, unleashed upon its fanbase, Dr. Eggman had experienced several butt-kickings from the Blue Blur. So when Eggman learns he can summon some kind of demon-thing from beneath the Earth’s crust, of course he jumps at the chance. Except, he seems pretty aware of what he needs to do for that, which includes turning Sonic into a werehog. Presumably this version of Earth still has movies; hasn’t Eggman at least seen Wolfman ? Having a sick, new bioweapon is great and all, but turning your already powerful foil into a bigger, badder, meaner, stretchier(?) version of himself doesn’t seem worth the trade.
The Illusive Man (Mass Effect)
The Illusive Man is one of those weird billionaires that thinks he can just throw his money to shape the world as he sees fit. While this strategy usually works in real life, it totally backfires on Sir Illusive. Dude spent unfathomable resources in order to push an agenda of human dominance in outer space, even raising Shepard from the dead in order to oppose the oncoming Reaper threat. Except, despite being thoroughly aware of the Indoctrination Reapers cause, dude figured he could somehow control them. Even when you’re smart, that much money makes you stupid.
Dr. Wily (Mega Man 6)
Dr. Wily already looks like enough of an idiot when he spends all his time and money making set after set of eight robot baddies, each with competing weaknesses, and sending them after Mega Man. The little blue robot, who has the ability to copy powers, somehow never loses. But after everything, after years of failure, Dr. Wily decides to switch things up a bit. With the power of a pair of sunglasses, Dr. Wily becomes Mr. X, and he tries to set up an innocent robot tournament as a trojan horse to… do that other thing again. This is like that time Hulk Hogan totally wasn’t under the Mister America mask, but only slightly less obvious.
Squeak Squad (Kirby: Squeak Squad)
Everyone on Dream Land knows it’s a really bad idea to mess with Kirby. Even when there is trouble afoot, ususally Kirby just gets roped into someone else’s problems. But when an intergalactic their troupe shows up, they don’t know Kirby from Waddle Dee. And Kirby has some pretty delicious cake. They steal it, totally unaware of the horror they unleashed upon themselves. And like, an entire galaxy, as Kirby destroys several planets on the way to his revenge. Whoops.
Derek Simmons (Resident Evil 6)
Derek Simmons is a skeevy-looking politician who is not exactly happy with the President of the United States. That’s partially because the president decides it’s finally time to go public about what happened in Raccoon City all those years ago. So, Simmons decides to do the totally reasonable thing and unleash the latest mutation of the T-Virus right into the center of America, taking out the president and millions of people as well. When Leon Kennedy finally tracks him down, Simmons claims he did it for the sake of America’s national security. It’s fine if we do the mass murder ourselves, apparently!
Dr. Morbis (Cheetahmen 2)
Dr. Morbis is a mad scientist, and he really likes Kung-Fu movies or something. He decided to do genetic experiments on animals, by combining them with martial art expertise and human DNA. This resulted in the Cheetahmen, who all wear similar workout gear. Now, normally when I think domesticated, trainable animals, I think of Cheetahs first. Morbis’ “expirement” doesn’t go as planned, and he has to whip up a new chimera-like combination of apemen in order to go after his original mistake. Naturally, they kick his ass, and went on to do several sick collabs with Hatsune Miku.
The Noodle Colonel (PaRappa 2)
So, the plot of PaRappa the Rapper 2 goes a little something like this: the son of the burger shop, who resents his dad’s burger boasting, decides to stage a revolution against all tasty food. He becomes the Noodle Colonel and starts the Noodle Syndicate, with the goal to turn everything into noodles. PaRappa and his friends love burgers and fries, and they do not like noodles. So they use the power of rap and believing in themselves to defeat Colonel Noodle and save all the burgers. That plan sucked, dude.
The Devil (Cuphead)
The Devil loves to make deals and steal souls. So when Cuphead decides to go on a gambling tear, he sees opportunity. Unfortunately being The Devil means you go a little overboard sometimes, and hubris is always ready to backfire at the smallest misstep. One such misstep is offering to give back a soul in exchange for going out and collecting contracts on other problematic souls. Cuphead and Mugman go through ordeal after ordeal, getting stronger and better at the whole finger gun thing.
King K. Rool (Donkey Kong Country 2)
Donkey Kong has his own country, a big family of powerful primates, a massive banana hoard, and barrel-oriented superpowers. DK and his cousin Diddy already trounced the evil King K. Rool for messing with the banana hoard. SO what does K. Rool do? He decides to dress up like a pirate and sucker punch DK, kidnapping him. Maybe this started out as a good plan, but then he had to go ahead and taunt the rest of the Kong family. DK is the strongest, but he’s not the only Kong with muscle. Rool should have been aware of that, but he just couldn’t let it go. So then he got smacked again by two other Kongs, and again later, and again a fourth time. Like, find another island man, this one isn’t even vulnerable.
UAC (DOOM 2016)
The Union Aerospace Corporation is all about finding news ways to extend humanity’s reach–for a profit of course. Somehow, these corporate madmen found a way to access literal, Christian Hell, and harness the demonic energy there for power. Surely, the infinite resources emnating from Hell could pwoer whatever endeavor humanity wanted, and all without the whole smog thing. The only problem, is uh, demons. The UAC even ended up trying to negotiate with the demons, using awful corporate HR language to encourage its own employees to give up their human-juice to appease the lords of Hell in exchange for energy and profits. And this is why Bernie Sanders should be president.