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CCC Article: Smelluloid

Smelluloid article

4. House of the Dead vs. Bad Boys: Miami Takedown (PS2)

House of the Dead movie  Bad Boys: Miami Takedown PS2

Bad Boys seems to have over-achieved in the preliminaries to rank this high. Will Smith and Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-maaaaartin seem outmatched by another of Uwe’s soulless butcher-jobs. Instead of featuring any actors that we can recognize, Boll decided to ruin the careers of unknowns by avoiding the source material and coming up with his own script. If Miami Takedown is to upset in the fourth round, it will have to rely on its brainless enemy AI and broken controls.

Winner: House of the Dead (Movie)

Miami Takedown looked set to secure the upset victory over House of the Dead, but then judges remembered that House of the Dead marks Boll’s worst movie to date and scored accordingly. We fully expect Bad Boys to issue an appeal of the results, but for now the Boll trio holds down the middle of the lineup and this competition looks like it’s already over at just past the half-way point.

3. Street Fighter vs. Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi (PS)

Street Fighter the Movie  Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi PSone

When we first heard about Masters of Teras Kasi, we were promised Tekken with lightsabers and our favorite Star Wars characters. Boy, were we misled. Masters represents the worst fighting game to come out in history, not to mention the worst Star Wars game as well. It’s unfortunate that such an awesomely-bad game has to go up against Street Fighter, which is an easy favorite. Star Wars better juice up on some illegal performance-enhancing substances if it wants a chance at this round.

Winner: Street Fighter (Movie)

One only has to look at the various roles assigned to the different fighters to realize just how terrible this movie is. M. Bison is the leader of a rogue nation hell-bent on world domination, Dhalsim is a scientist that performs freaky genetic experiments, and Chun-Li is a TV reporter. That’s not all! Blanka was created in a lab, Zangief is a security officer for M. Bison’s backwards country, and Chun-Li’s camera crew consists of E. Honda and Balrog. It’s a real shame that this bomb was Raul Julia’s final movie. He was hilarious in the Addams Family, a bad movie in its own right, but his role as M. Bison was shameful. Oh, and did I mention Jean Claude Van Damn plays Guile? Phew.

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