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CCC Article: Smelluloid

Smelluloid article

2. Double Dragon vs. Bebe’s Kids

Double Dragon the Movie  Bebe’s Kids

Street Fighter was a terrible movie, but it pales in comparison to what many consider the absolute worst videogame movie of all time- Double Dragon. Not only did the writers have the audacity to place their story in “New Angeles” after “the big quake,” but they brought in Scott Wolf as a martial arts expert. Even better was Robert Patrick’s role as evil martial arts master and business tycoon. He wanted the double-dragon amulet, or something like that, to rule “New Angeles” with even stronger martial arts, I think. Anyway, squeeze in Alyssa Milano during her post-Who’s the Boss days and a cameo by Andy Dick and you have yourself a steaming pile of crap in the shape of a VHS tape. So what could even match Double Dragon in the second round you ask? Why Bebe’s Kids of course, easily one of the worst games of the early nineties, and perhaps the worst game since as well.

Winner: Bebe’s Kids (Game)

This fight was over before it even started. Those pansies Scott Wolf and Marc Decascos were no match for these little juvenile delinquents. The developers of Bebe’s Kids only released two games, this and another, before realizing that they were only hurting the industry with their putrid games. Bebe’s Kids makes every game above look like winners. All it took to end this round was a well-placed baseball bat to the knee of Scott Wolf, sending him crying all the way back to 1993.

1. Super Mario Bros. vs. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Super Mario Bros. the Movie  . E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial Atari 2600

There’s a little controversy in the movie camp in the late rounds. Popular opinion puts Double Dragon in the one slot, but the skipper decided to put Super Mario in front on the strength of its botchery of an all-star cast. Bob Hoskins as Mario (not Italian), and John Leguizamo (very Puerto-Rican), are so bad that they are hilarious. In fact, Nintendo fan boys point at this movie as a source of nostalgia. After all, who can honestly take a movie whose plot is based around a meteorite splitting earth into two dimensions seriously? As bad as this one was, it is matched up against the worst movie-based game of all time. Forget worst movie game, E.T. is the worst game of all time. Period.

Winner: E. T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (Game)

Super Mario Bros., the 45 million dollar catastrophe, made sure that the entire genre of game-based movies would be the laughing stock of the film industry for years to come. As bad as that actually is, it is nothing compared to the damage that Atari and E.T. did to the gaming industry. Everyone has heard about the millions of E.T. cartridges tossed into a New Mexico landfill. E.T. marked the end of videogames golden run of the early 80s and began the gaming lurch before Nintendo and Sega came to the rescue. E.T. tops any “worst” list ever written in this industry, and it takes top spot here as well.

Overall winner: Game-based movies – 5-3

In a post-match interview, tournament MVP Uwe Boll mentioned that he “did it for the kids” and to “look forward to more” from him. His tandem of House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, and Alone in the Dark provided a core of appalling films to secure the victory despite late-game heroics by Bebe’s Kids and E.T. Although many expect Halo to at least be decent, there are quite a few potential stinkers coming down the pipeline.

Possible future stinkers

  • Crazy Taxi - What is the possible plot for this ridiculous film idea? B.D. Joe has to raise money for his sister’s gallbladder removal surgery or something?
  • Dungeon Siege - Two words. Uwe Boll.
  • Spy Hunter - Another game that is absolutely devoid of plotline originally, but if anyone could save this movie it would be the strangely successful action star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
  • Soul Calibur - Looking at the list of movies based on fighting games above only spells trouble for any others that wish to come out in the future.
  • Dead or Alive - The same as above, but one of the main draws of DOA are bouncy breasts and don’t make for good movie material.

    Extra Special Craptacular Award:
    Most Crappiest Game Based on Crappiest Movie Based on Great Game

    Winner: Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game

     Street Fighter game PSone

    Thankfully there is only one nominee and consequently, one winner, in the most putrid of categories. Since the game was in production simultaneously with the movie, it’s clear that Capcom was confident that the spectacular success of the film would encourage millions of Street Fighter fans to flock to their nearest game store to buy the game based on the movie based on the game. Unfortunately, Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game was nothing like the Street Fighter 2 series which (possibly) warranted the movie in the first place.

    The game was a Pit-Fighter wannabe, which is equally disturbing since Pit Fighter the game was a wannabe to begin with. If you ever owned the game, consider yourself one of the stupidest and most gullible people on the planet Earth. For shame, dummy! Ultimately it’s just too bad that the game didn’t turn out to be a winner, since Capcom may have made a movie out of it too….Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game: The Movie…. And if that was a hit, you know a game based on the movie of the game of the movie wouldn’t have been too far behind.

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