If you've been religiously reading my rants, thanks for being brand loyal. We've had some good time, some bad times. We've laughed, and we've cried. And we've pissed off a lot of people along the way, including me.
If you've ever wondering why I'm so confrontational and opinionated, I'm about to share a big part of that reason with you now. Here's a sampling of some of the emails I've received over the last year. But don't get any ideas; keep the bitter disappointment and displeasure of my articles to yourself. If you're thinking of sending an email, think again. I don't care, and I'm not going to do anything about it—ever! But otherwise, Happy New Year!
Q: You are stupid, mean, lazy, and I hate you and your articles.
A: You cannot forget to take your medication, Mom.
Q: This is like the seventh time I have emailed you, and you never answer.
A: Just making sure you're serious.
Q: My grandma is always buying me the wrong gifts such as Zbox-180, and Teenage Mutant Nincompoops. Companies that make inferior products with names that sound like popular items prey on her because she is extremely wealthy, generous, and gets confused easily. What can I do?
A: Give me her phone number.
Q: Reading your article ruins my entire day.
A: Wait until I show up at your door with my bags.
Q: What's it like living in Canada?
A: It's quite strange actually. We are approximately seven-and-a-half years ahead of the rest of the world due to our proximity to the magnetic flux of the North Pole which is responsible for the time-dilation phenomenon. Sorry to learn that you died next month.
Q: I can't tell if you're funny or serious half of the time.
A: You're the reason why they put laugh tracks on cartoons.
Q: You mussed git alot of stoopid emails.
A: You must write for GameSpot.
Q: You always make fun of gamers, portraying them as losers without girlfriend. I have a girlfriend and I'm not a loser.
A: Unfortunately, you cannot reverse the "loser" designation by simply denying it. It was assigned to you by a third party, and like a referee, that call is binding. And looking at the photo of you and your girlfriend, I would say she looks more like a "boyfriend." So therefore I would have no recourse other than to call both of you losers. All the best in the New Year, and good luck on the circus… I mean wedding.
Q: Most of what you are categorizing as "Questions" in this article are statements. And therefore your "Answers" are not technically answers; they are "Mean Retorts."
A: It would be misleading to title this article S&M. And who are you calling a retort?
Q: I live in a very poor country. Many of us don't have Internet. Many of us don't have jobs or houses. We have squandered our resources and rely heavily on other countries for gas, oil, water, and food. Most people in my country are uneducated.
A: I know. I've been to America.
By Cole Smith
CCC Senior Contributing Writer
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central. This week's is also purely a work of fiction*