Weekly Rant: The Perfect Controller

Weekly Rant: The Perfect Controller

We play video games because of the challenge they present. We have to outsmart the creators. However, it's not only the developers that create the challenge with the gameplay, another part of the challenge is tackling the game with the inherent limitations of the gaming system (specifically consoles), and more prominently, the controllers.

We have learned to accept these challenges de facto, or unchallenged, as it were. There are times when I would challenge these challenges, especially the use of specific controllers. Some are better suited to specific games than others, such as the joystick for vehicular games, and dual analogue sticks for controlling murderous rampaging robots. But there are times when I just want to sit on my arse, eat junk food, and ingest gallons of Diet Pepsi. This leisurely pursuit to gaming requires the use of both hands, one on the controller and one hand free to facilitate the ingesting of said snackage.

Weekly Rant: The Perfect Controller

The perfect controller does not exist. There is not one all-purpose controller in the entire world that will allow me to realize my dream. Is this asking too much? I know I'm not the only one that yearns for such a device.

The controller that comes closest to achieving my state of gaming bliss is the mouse. Without resorting the keyboard, it's a one-hand affair. But admittedly there are only a few games in which it proves sufficiently adequate, and those are limited to mostly point-and-click games and some economic sims and puzzle games. The problem is the availability of a flat surface, which is always impossible since my cornucopia of high-fat treats occupy this limited real estate.

The Wii's nunchuck is a step in the right direction, but it typically requires the use of the other little bugger with it. That's one hand too many. It's also used for more volatile motion games, which create micro-tidal waves in my oversized glass of Pepsi (sort of like the water glass in Jurassic Park, if you need a visual reference.)

Perhaps something like Steven Hawking's eye-tracking cursor system could be adapted as a solution. But the instant a hot girl caught my eye I would be sure to divert my character into the deadly lava. Okay, so the odds are really low there would be a hot girl in my house. But I can dream, dammit!

How about voice command? Here I would I yell at my character like a socially maladjusted hockey dad screaming instructions from the bleachers to his embarrassed kid on the ice below. Through voice commands, my character would run, jump, turn left or right, hit, kick, shoot, throw, and open the door. I just wonder what kind of animation would be triggered when I eventually tell it to go #$%* itself? Come to think of it, this may not be a great idea, since a mouthful of soda biscuits and gravy may result in command errors.

Weekly Rant: The Perfect Controller

I was thinking about thought controllers, but my thoughts wouldn't always be on the game. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want such thoughts displayed, as others might have adverse thoughts about my thinking. So that's out.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the future brings. In other words, wait out this health consciousness trend.

By Cole Smith
CCC Senior Contributing Writer

*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central. This week's is also purely a work of fiction*

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