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A new company is recruiting talented gamers to assist the visually impaired that wish to play video games. These Seeing Eye Gamers, or SEGs as they will be called, will direct the visually impaired through games using a series of verbal commands. SEGs will have to be highly skilled in gaming technique as well as possess the ability to verbalize thoughts as quickly as a reflex impulse. All candidates must meet high gaming skill standards so that no particular customer will have an advantage or disadvantage while gaming. SEGs will also have to be skilled socially, something not typically associated with gamers, according to gaming advocate Les Liklie. “It’s shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that most gamers are socially retarded,” shouts Liklie. “They are paranoid, anti-social, self-centered, overweight, ugly, and rude. I should know, I’m a gamer myself,” Liklie drooled after a generous belch. Gamers that meet the stringent qualifications to become an SEG, will be rewarded with incomes on par with professionals such as executives, lawyers, and rodent exterminators. Most will make more than $150,000 a year, including benefits such as soap, toothpaste, and deodorant, which the company says the use of these products will be mandatory. The company expects to be swamped with résumés when they officially launch their recruitment campaign. But for the time being, the company is keeping their identity and contact information a secret. “We are seriously thinking about taping the auditions and broadcasting them, similar to a reality show like American Idol or The Apprentice,” says company spokesperson Lance Woodpop (not his real name). “Not only will the successful SEGs be on their way to fortune, but fame as well,” Woodpop proudly proclaims. “And it would be fun for the rest of the world to see exactly what kind of losers we have to deal with in this industry,” he adds. Woodpop says that not only will SEGs be responsible for shouting out commands such as jump, run, left, right, punch, kick, roll, shoot, and strafe, but there is also the tactile system that SEGs must employ. This system requires that the SEG actually make physical contact with the player to add more dimension and reality to the gameplay. For instance, when the player gets hit in the torso by a fist or projectile, the SEG will administer a gentle thump to the player’s body. The SEG may even be required to shake the player’s chair or even choke them a little should the situation arise in the context of the game. “We haven’t worked out all of the details yet,” Woodpop confesses, “For instance we’re not sure what the SEGs should do if the player gets obliterated by a grenade or missile, but I’m sure we’ll come up with something better than our original idea, which I’d rather not talk about at this juncture.” |