It would be more fun trying to play a trombone with asthma and only one arm while riding on the back of a three-legged camel running on a oil-covered highway
I’m glad I have no friends at Eutechnyx, and after this review, it’s unlikely I ever will. I’m not picking on them. They are the ones that released this game – if you want to call it that. Based on the popular MTV car customizing series, Pimp My Ride, the only thing this game actually gets right is the title. This game has more issues than Danny Bonaduce. It’s certainly on the same disaster scale.
There’s no reason to put you through hell. I’ve already been there. I’ve played Pimp my Ride. I’ve done it for you, so that you don’t have to. I may be a little emotionally traumatized for it, but I’ll get over it. I’m a trained professional. You may not be so lucky. My findings compel me to leave you with this warning: under no circumstances should you waste a nickel on this piece of junk. If you heard that the console versions, released last year, were bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet. After the way the console versions got slammed, one has to wonder what the developers did during that year. It appears as though someone forgot to start work on the port and just remembered to do a few hours before its release. This game is an absolute mess.
You do not get the option to freely customize vehicles. You’re restricted to filling orders by gathering up parts that have already been pre-selected. The driving mechanics are terrible. The framerate coughs and sputters like a car with water in the gas tank. The game is prone to crashing when saving. Load times can take up to one minute. A series of embarrassing mini-games turns you into some kind of dancing, hip hop jackass. You perform the same routine for each vehicle. There’s no variety. There’s nothing to hold things together in terms of a story. It’s as though the developers threw a whole bunch of crap at the wall and nothing stuck. It sure stinks though.
Xzhibit is in this game, but he can’t save it. I hope he’s horrified with the results. If you’re going to lend your name to something, you better make sure you can oversee the quality. Too busy counting his money, I suppose.
In Pimp My Ride you take on the character of a car customizer. Clients saddle you with the task of turning their beater into a tacky dream machine that only those with double digit IQs could love. Attempting to drive a car around Pimp City, you will earn money by ghost riding and playing mini-games which will be used to purchase the parts needed for the customization. These ghost riding mini-games involve pressing a combination of buttons to a simple hip hop beat. Your character gets out of the car and dances around to the beat which never changes – regardless of what level you’re on. It’s totally ridiculous and embarrassing. It’s so bad it’s you can’t even laugh at it.
Another way to earn money is to cruise past a group of retarded hip hop kids and put your car into the slow cruise mode. By pressing a series of buttons you’ll send these idiots into ecstasy, and earn money in the process. You’ll also earn money by driving into things such as other cars, signs, and buildings. Don’t ask me why. Aren’t you supposed to be fixing these cars? Crashing into things is easy thanks to the awful driving physics. The cars steer like boats, slipping and sliding all over the road. They are almost impossible to steer with any precision. And when they’re not sliding all over the place, they simply don’t respond, as though the air was let out of the tires.
Once you’ve got enough money raised to customize the vehicle, you have to go out shopping for parts. That’s all it is, shopping. You are also in a race against time as there is another customizer competing for the same vehicle. The two of you will drive through the streets of Pimp City in an attempt to get to the nearest parts stores and make your selection. You get more points for the most expensive items, so buy them. You’re never short of cash. Whoever gets the most parts, as well as the most expensive parts, wins. It’s that easy – and that un-fun.
Once a car is customized, you can drive it around and show it off, but you can’t do anything else with it. You can’t activate any of the special features that you’ve installed. All you can do is dance around it like an idiot. Have fun.
Xzibit delivers a decent performance but the writing is substandard. The voiceovers of the customers are so poorly delivered you have to wonder what didn’t pass the audition. Many of Xzibit’s tunes are featured and they add some class to this game, but you can get his CD for a lot less than the $40 you’ll pay for this. The textures are ugly, and thanks to the bad framerate, the animation looks like a slideshow.
The ESRB rating for this game should be changed to N for nobody, and the number of players should be changed from 1 to 0. Can we call another developer to come and Pimp My Game?