note: I'm pretty sure the only thing fully loaded
around here was Cole, just before he wrote this review
thought that it would be fun to let me review Herbie:
Fully Loaded, knowing that I would hate it and run
it into the ground with some humorous and psychotic
diatribes. He knows that I don't do "cute"
and I absolutely hate that Lohan chick. The planets
appear to be lining up for him but to everyone's surprise
there is an unexpected shift in the direction of the
totally fell in love with Herbie - both the movie
and the game. Not only that, but I found Lindsay Lohan's
acting to be disarmingly wholesome if not a bit scintillating.
Even the comedy bits had me rolling on the floor in
seen the movie more than 40 times - no make that more
than 400. My bank account is in arrears, but I don't
care. I love Lindsay. She's a god to me. I just know
that she feels the same way about me. She's the most
powerful being in the universe and I know that if
I stand in front of a moving bus she will protect
me - unlike I would have protected her just a few
weeks ago. She won't let me die. I know that. I love
Herbie too but in a different way.
you don't know me too well. Let me explain something.
I'm over 40 and I'm overweight - not fat like a sloppy
nerd but fat like a bad-guy wrestler. Unlike most
videogame players I have had girlfriends. Except now,
because I'm married. I've got no kids because they
bother me. I don't like things that are manufactured
to be "cute" and I hate stupid people. I
make fun of people a lot because it allows me to dissipate
my anger so that I don't explode and kill them. I
can be really unsympathetic to pathetic people. I
tell things like they are and I don't like people
that disagree with me even when I'm wrong. Other than
that I'm a hell of a likeable guy. Oh, did I also
mention that I'm somewhat prone to sarcasm? See the
first three paragraphs for more on that.
say that I hated Herbie: Fully Loaded would be an
understatement. But these reviews aren't always about
me. This game wasn't designed for an old dink like
me. I can see that it might appeal to some young kids
and the odd simpleton out there but in the grand scheme
of things it's just another example of a cheap movie-inspired
game designed to separate a parent's money from their
wallet. That's another reason I don't have kids -
I can't afford it.
are only eight tracks to unlock in this game, and
while there are three modes, Free Race, Story and
Championship, they all use the same tracks. Only the
AI racers change.
unlock the tracks you have to come in first place,
but it's not at all difficult. It will take a little
time to get the hang of Herbie but the controls are
very forgiving. Not to mention that the AI has really
been dumbed down. You can accelerate quickly and negotiate
turns while the other NASCARS are languishing in the
mud and the muck.
can unlock all of the tracks in less time than it
takes to watch the movie - and that includes leaving
halfway through when you just can't take it anymore.
has a few tricks up his trunk which makes the gameplay
a little more interesting. You can activate his turbo,
high jump, reverse and tire throw move by collecting
stars on the tracks. Too bad Herbie doesn't have a
have to give the game credit for the 3D graphics.
They aren't amazing but they do have a better draw
distance than most racing games and it's actually
quite smooth. Herbie is large and well rendered. It's
no problem identifying him from the pack - which is
good news if you're a sniper. Lindsay Lohan makes
her appearance and displays a few words of text-based
encouragement while managing to keep her boobs in
her blouse. Just seeing her skanky face makes me wish
this game was a shooter.
this game were available for free in a cereal box
I still wouldn't recommend it - but it would make
it easier to swallow.