NES Remix 2’s Wario’s Woods Challenges Make Kittens Cry

NES Remix 2’s Wario’s Woods Challenges Make Kittens Cry

You all may remember about four months ago I played NES Remix and, well, it might not have gone as well as I hoped. I mean, it had been about… let’s see… the NES came out in 1985, and I was born in… oh. Well, let’s just say it had been a while, my skillset might have been a bit lacking, and frankly? The NES Remix game collection had a few duds in it. However, I’m happy to assure you that I’ve been playing NES Remix 2 and this time I’m 10x better at all the games.

I rock the house in every NES Remix 2 game I play!

I kick butt in almost challenge.

Wario’s Woods is the devil incarnate and everyone involved in the creation of the original game and its inclusion in NES Remix 2 should be ashamed of themselves. They should be seated in a corner of shame, with a sign saying they were responsible for Wario’s Woods, and should also be forced to play its challenges on an endless loop.

If you have the fortune to have never played Wario’s Woods, then I envy you. I too, was once that lucky. I missed it back when I had my NES in the Old Days. When I saw its icon in my NES Remix 2 menu, I was idiotically optimistic. “An NES game I haven’t played before!” “Wow! It was one of the first match-3 games! I’m awesome at those!” “Yay, video games!” It never once occurred to me that maybe the reason I hadn’t played Wario’s Woods until now could have been due to divine (or parental) intervention stepping in to save me from one of the most frustrating games in existence.

Players control Toad as he runs around the forest floor, grabbing monsters and bombs. These have to be arranged into matching groups of three or more, based on color, and you have to have one bomb in the group to eliminate them from the playing field. Toad can’t run or jump, and is generally pretty useless. All he can do is kick monsters/bombs from one side of the field to the other, pick up monsters and bombs, and leap from the bottom of a stack to a top, if he’s somehow gotten buried. All this is happening while Birdo, Wario, or some other minion of evil incarnate drops more random monsters and bombs from above.

Oh, yes, and when Wario’s dropping enemies, he’ll also be lowering the ceiling and helping inch a player closer to their inevitable doom.

NES Remix 2’s Wario’s Woods Challenges Make Kittens Cry

It’s a big, hot, Wario-flavored mess. Everything’s dropping at once, Toad’s running in every direction, getting the colors lined up just so is a nightmare, and I should have known it was trouble when part of the first Wario’s Woods challenge in NES Remix 2 was to watch a tutorial video. You don’t make friends with tutorial videos. Especially if they’re unskippable and don’t really teach you any helpful skills for handling the game when Wario’s raining down monsterous heathens on Toad’s head!

It’s like the people at Nintendo looked at NES Remix 2’s game list and noticed that it was too awesome. It was full of games that people had actually mastered. This could not stand! Especially if it meant easy access to the precious stars that would unlock new remixed levels. So, they checked the NES ‘ catalog for the most soul crushing of games, saw Wario’s Woods , and knew they had a winner.

Because nobody beats Wario’s Woods , and if someone tells you they did, they’re lying. In fact, you should send that liar over to my house! Not because I’d want to “talk” to them about 3-starring the Wario’s Woods levels in NES Remix 2 for me, but for other, life affirming lecture reasons.

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