Welcome back to the adventures of [self-insert original character do not steal] House Forrester in the world of Game of Thrones , or A Song of Fire and Ice , or whatever this series is called. Let’s go with Peter Dinklage’s Bizarre Adventures .
When we last left our heroes, our main character Ethan got stabbed in the neck. Oh well, time to find a new main character. If you believe the game, you are going to get your badass sellsword brother Asher back from the lands of Essos. He takes down a whole platoon with just himself and his mercenary love interest, and he would be a perfect choice for taking over Ethan’s position as Lord of the-
Hey wait…
Where are you going?
No really there is a lot of action here and….
OK fine, let’s go back to Westeros, where House Forrester still needs a new lord, and since they don’t seem to want to wait for Asher, they will basically look for a lord wherever they can find one. Like this bucket of corpses!
Oh hey, Rodrick, first son of the house who somehow miraculously survived the Red Wedding by pretending to be a corpse this whole time? Fancy seeing you here. Now we just have to give you milk of the poppy and put a whole bunch of leeches in your wounds and you’ll be good as new. Oh yeah, and you’ll never walk again.
Rodrick has to take up the mantle of Lord of the House. With his enemies stationed in his ancestral home, he has to make important decisions like whether to make peace with them or starve them out, whether or not he should pursue a marriage to secure allies, choosing who he can trust in this time of war, and coming to terms with the fact that he is no longer the powerful knight that he once was, but is now a feeble man who-
Hey wait come back here!
Seriously this is a good story, I’m getting all choked up about it!
Why would you leave?
UGH, FINE! I guess you want to see a bunch of people stab each other in the back.
Now we’re back with Mira, one of the daughters of House Forrester, in King’s Landing. Mira has to find some way to help her family even though she is miles away, and this usually means trying to manipulate people. She has to make important decisions like whether or not to force other houses into marriage, whether or not to join forces with Tyrion to go up against her rival house the Whitehills, and whether or not to attempt to bring another handmaiden up to noble status.
Unfortunately, she really doesn’t do any of this stuff, yet somehow the Lannisters still want to kill her? I suppose the Lannisters just want to kill everyone these days. Some random fanfiction Lannister decides to meet her in the night and attempt to assassinate her but she manages to-
OH, SERIOUSLY!
You are leaving right when a main character is going to kill someone?
You are impossible!
WHY ARE YOU HEADING NORTH?
OK, FINE FINE FINE! Have it your way!
Welcome to the wall where Gared Tuttle is joining the Night’s Watch. He has come here because he has to find the fabled North Grove which lies beyond the wall. On his lord’s death bed, he was told that the North Grove must never be lost. So he will become a ranger, brave the wildling lands of the north, and somehow find it and somehow protect it. His is a story of magic returning to the world. He will have to brave the white walkers and other supernatural forces in order to complete his mission.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t do any of this! Instead he gets lectured by a guy with a stick up his ass, has a training swordfight, participates in some archery practice, lifts a barrel, rides an elevator, gets into a fist fight, and literally does nothing else. This was a plot more reminiscent of a college keg party at the Dungeons and Dragons club rather than an epic fantasy plot… and SHUT UP! There totally were keggers at the Dungeons and Dragons club. They were just small keggers… with limited guest lists… and a lot more roleplaying than beer.
You know what, you have the attention span of a rabbit on meth, Telltale. Maybe if you stayed with a plot for more than a few minutes, you could tell a good story, like you did with The Walking Dead . But this is all-
Hey…
Where are you going!
Minecraft !?
How the heck are you going to make a narrative game about Minecraft ?
Screw this, I’m going to play some Leisure Suit Larry .
Ah yes, the noble house of Laffer, warden of the pants.