SpoilSport – Silent Hill 2

SpoilSport – Silent Hill 2

What if you received a message, but not just any message? What if this message, was a message from the dead? Would you read it? If it gave you directions, would you follow it?

… you wouldn’t?

You’d run the heck away?

OK, but what if you did follow it, and it took you on a trip into your own darkest fears?

You’d still run? You CAN’T run! No running! There are, like, invisible walls everywhere, and the door locks are broken and stuff!

Submitted for the approval of the 11:59PM society, I call this story “ Silent Hill 2 .”

Once upon a time, there was a man called James Sunderland. One night he mysteriously received a letter from his dead wife, beckoning him to meet her in their “special place.” That special place was Silent Hill, a quiet remote mountain town that definitely isn’t going to kill you with horrible mutated gory monsters summoned by an ancient cult that looked to punish people for their sins and by the way don’t look behind you everything is fine ignore the moaning and the corpse smell kthxbye!

After returning to the quiet mountain town, James saw through the poor draw distance fog, that something was wrong. No one was around. Doors were locked and broken. Freaks and zombies roamed the night. The only way forward seemed to be by taking a tour through James’s past, through all the scenic spots of Silent Hill, like the romantic bloody murder observation deck, entrails park, and the… chilling horror apartment complex. What!? An apartment complex can be scenic!

It’s there that James meets everyone’s favorite geometry rapist, Pyramid Head–a character that has somehow become the most well-known icon in horror game history, even though he basically looks like a butcher who got his face stuck in a garbage pail. After he gets done sexing up some zombie mannequins… you know… ‘cause symbolism… Pyramid Head chases after you. Not to worry though, he will get lost somewhere down the line and end up in the awful Silent Hill movie adaptation.

James also meets a bunch of people who aren’t representations of his own sexual frustration and murderous intent *cough cough* spoilers *cough cough*. There’s Angela, an abused and depressed girl who wants to kill herself; Eddie, a fat vomit filled young kid who has a bullying problem and who also might be a serial murderer; Maria, a woman who looks exactly like his dead wife Mary, and there’s nothing strange about that at all; and Laura, a young child that James follows all around Silent Hill because… hey… we gotta move the plot ahead somehow.

SpoilSport – Silent Hill 2

Cue the normal sequence of hospital, sewer, prison, spooky hotel, and plenty of other generic horror locales, each with only one path through them. Oh, and be ready for some puzzle solving, because for some reason the ancient vengeful spirits spurred on by a primordial deity chained to the town’s location looking to punish people for their sins decides, “Eh it wouldn’t be fun if we didn’t make him pixel bitch around for a passcode for a while.” You know, instead of killing him? Like over and over again? These gods need to read some Greek Mythology or maybe the Bible! Now those are some primary sources for torture.

When you finally get to the hotel, you realize the horrible truth. You thought the whole time that James’s wife died from an illness. However, it turns out that James himself smothered her to death because he just couldn’t bear to see her ill anymore. You were the murderer all along… DUM DUM DUM!

You run through a burning building, prevent Angela from trying to kill herself again (and that plotline kind of just disappears after that) and then you meet DOUBLE PYRAMID HEAD! Horror fans you may orgasm now. You fight them for a while and then they… impale themselves on their own weapons. Uhhhhh… symbolism?

Then you watch a memory of your wife shouting at you, Maria turns into a giant monster, and then, depending on what ending you got, you either leave with a little girl, leave with Maria, kill yourself, try to resurrect your wife, stumble upon a dog with a Wizard of Oz complex, or get abducted by aliens and go on adventures with Harry Mason… a horror classic.

The moral of this story? If you follow the instructions of your dead wife, you will inevitably be abducted by aliens.

It’s… a very specific moral.

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