SoulCalibur never had the most interesting characters, but at least they were easy to connect with. Then SoulCalibur V came around and threw all of those likeable characters out the window. Instead of Kilik, the confident protector, we get Xiba, a man whose only motivation is food. Instead of Taki, the mysterious Ninja, we get Natsu, a bored girl with the same backstory as Naruto. Instead of Xianghua, the guardian of the Soul Calibur, we get Leixia, a naïve princess who gets to meet people by stabbing them. Finally, there is Patroklos and Phyrra, son and daughter of Sophitia. Patroklos comes in two varieties, confident ass and self-righteous douchebag, while Phyrra, who also has two forms, either whines or becomes possessed by the Soul Edge and whines some more. Seriously, NAMCO Bandai, what were you thinking? You essentially made SoulCalibur V into Saved By The Bell: The New Class.
No one likes an emo kid, and Squall was one of the most annoying emo kids to ever star in a video game. Throughout the entirety of Final Fantasy VIII, he never did anything besides whine while the people around him had more interesting plot arcs. Granted, his fans point out that if it weren't for him and his love for Rinoa, the second half of the game couldn't have happened. And that's exactly right; if Squall and Rinoa didn't exist, the space witches couldn't destroy the universe. (Yes, that's the real plot of Final Fantasy VIII.) Seriously though, the worst part about Squall was his "you don't understand me" personality. It was so cookie-cutter and fake. Throughout the game you got the feeling that the only reason he continued on was because the game needed some sort of main male character, and Square's only other choices were a brawler who liked hot dogs and a sniper who couldn't actually shoot anyone.
Sonic's ever-expanding posse of anthropomorphic cartoon animals includes some of the lamest video game characters ever designed. Charmy Bee, Blaze the Cat, Cream the Rabbit… ugh. However, none of these characters are more stupid and useless than Big the Cat. Big's only purpose in all of Sonic Adventure was to fish for his pet frog. That's it. He never fought anyone or had any sort of dramatic purpose; his only defining personality traits were "fat" and "likes frog." Sonic has been lacking in the past few years, but, at the very least, Sonic Team has had the good sense to not bring this character back.
Boogers are not funny. Neither are farts, vomit, pee, or any other bodily functions. They're just gross. Not only was Boogerman's game a pretty horrid 2D platformer, but the main hero was one of the least compelling heroes ever made. It was nothing more than an excuse to show a character pooing and burping and doing all that nasty stuff that five-year-olds apparently find hilarious. The only good thing about Boogerman was that you got an awesome 3D bonus stage when you hooked it up to Sonic and Knuckles. No, seriously.
Video games can be a great form of escapism. We like to imagine ourselves in the role of the knight in shining armor or the buff space marine. It gives us a sense of empowerment and allows us to escape to a world that is more fantastical than our own. So why, oh why, would anyone ever make a video game starring a protagonist that is even less interesting than the nerdiest of gamers who control him?
Lester the Unlikely is quite possibly the worst video game character ever created. He was this horrible nerd stereotype that did nothing but reinforce the negativity that people had toward gamers at the time. Why would a gamer want to control a nerd with no social skills? What's even worse is that he controlled the same way he looked. He ran for no good reason, stopped and shivered when he was scared, and died incredibly easily. It was like he was made to be a horribly lame character and the designers knew it. Lester is a character that no one identified with and that no one enjoyed seeing in a protagonist role, making him the lamest video game character of all time.
Angelo M. D'Argenio
Date: March 19, 2012
*The views expressed within this article are solely the opinion of the author and do not express the views held by Cheat Code Central.*