The Guaranteed Weight Loss Game*

The Guaranteed Weight Loss Game*


Play the Guaranteed Weight Loss Game and you will be guaranteed to shed those unwanted, unsightly, and unhealthy excess pounds in two weeks.

Obesity is an epidemic. It’s stated that one in three American are overweight, (and it takes three Americans to make one Canadian, per capita). To begin, you choose a porcine character that closely resembles you. Then marvel as you embark on an exciting action adventure game where you loose weight with each and every scintillating scenario.

Guaranteed Weight Loss Game will have you dodging bullets atop a moving train, scaling the Andes Mountains in search of lost treasures, and trying to pull yourself free from the deadly gravitational grasp of the Event Horizon. All of this exercise will contribute to toning your slovenly character into prizefighting shape. Special low-carb energy packets will ensure you’re healthy, eating and receiving proper nutrition.

The Guaranteed Weight Loss Game was designed by nutritional scientists in white lab coats. It comes recommended by one out of three American doctors, or the upper-third section of a Canadian’s torso. Never has good health been so easy and so fast to achieve. The developers even joked about calling the game The McDonalds of Fitness Drive-Through.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” shouts consumer advocate Fernard Cornwitch. “This game won’t make you any healthier than eating a broccoli-flavored donut. Only the character in the game gets in shape, not an actual, real person. The only reason one out of three American doctors recommend it is because that one doctor is the fat one. And let’s not drag the Canadians into this; most of them don’t even have electricity in their igloos.”

We talked to game developer Len Lenlen, and asked his comments on the controversy.

“I will say one thing about Mr. Conrwitch,” says Lenlen. “He’s got a very delectable name. It makes me hungry. I would like to include it as a snack in the sequel game. It sounds like it could be a nice sugary, fried cone filled with spicy meats.”

Lenlen says Guaranteed Weight Loss Game is loaded with all kinds of positive lifestyle choices—the kind of choices he’s certain players will adopt in real life after playing the game.

“Once the player sees how easy it is to lose weight, and how good their character looks, they’ll want to do this in real life,” Lenlen claims. “We have studies that back up our claims. We used beta testers, because we all know they have weight issues. They reported increased confidence in restaurants, Star Trek conventions, and even at nude beaches. All this because they feel great about their character. So be a loser and play the game; and don’t forget to try the Cornwitch.”

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