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Guaranteed to make you a better gamer in just a few weeks, the Penalizer is a new training system that uses classic, proven, and somewhat illegal training methods. Nothing motivates better than fear. It’s an ancient technique that’s been used for millennia in everything from military training to religious compliance. And nothing makes you learn better and faster than the fear of punishment. But in order for this system to work, the punishment has to be real, and it has to hurt. Enter: The Penalizer. Designed to do the exact opposite of positive reinforcement, the Penalizer physically punishes you when you make mistakes playing games. The Penalizer is essentially a high-tech sitting device (chair) with an assortment of what are called “electronic motivators.” These “motivators” are attached to the sitting device (chair) and come in the form of a face slapper, knuckle rapper, skin twister, electric prodder, hair puller, gut puncher, and butt kicker. The Penalizer will work with any game system that utilizes force feedback, which causes the controller to vibrate when poor plays are made. Make a wrong move and you can expect a slap in the face with a robotic hand. The “motivators” are made of high-quality nylon polymer, and coated with latex to give it a realistic feel. Once strapped into the chair you won’t be released until your score improves dramatically. The Penalizer will assess your development and will let you know when it’s time to go. Don’t strap in if you’re going to a wedding later that evening, and make sure you always go to the bathroom before committing to a training session. “This is nothing but a torture device,” says Johnny Castleboy, chairman of the SPCA. “Sure some kids will get something out of this, but them stupid kinda’ kids will get the hell beaten out of them on this thing. Some of these Southern kids are so damn unintelligent they talk back to their own farts.” Several beta testers have reported incredible progress using this system. One tester admits that most mistakes are due to laziness and lack of attention. He claims that after a few smacks, slaps, shots, and swats you smarten up very quickly. Not knowing where the next “motivator” is going to attack you keeps you on guard since you can’t prepare for it he says. “If I had The Penalizer at school, I’d be an Einstein by the end of the year,” he says, “but as a good American, I’m sure I would be red, white, and blue all over.” The Penalizer will be available in the summer of 09. You’ll get more than a kick out of it. *This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition. |