Grrl-Guide Coming to Next-Gen Consoles*

Grrl-Guide Coming to Next-Gen Consoles*


A new game, Grrl-Guide is designed to help male gamers cope with their future relationships with members of the opposite sex. This interactive game will be available for all next-gen consoles and will come with an Eye-Toy camera, weigh scale, and breathalyzer.

The developers of Grrl-Guide are quick to point out that this game is not a tutorial on how to pick up girls. Instead, it’s designed to help ease the pain of rejection that the majority of male gamers will face in their pursuit of woman. A lot of research has been conducted in the development of this game. Numerous psychologists, anthropologists, gaming industry insiders, and tens of thousands of women have been interviewed and mined for data. The developers’ original thoughts were confirmed: The more a male gamer is involved in gaming, the less attractive that he is to women. Grrl-Guide is meant as a barometer to show these gamers how they are perceived by the opposite sex, and prepare them for the inevitable rejection by exposing them to it relentlessly and brutally honestly.

The game was recently Beta-tested by a tow-truck driving crew in Milwaukee. “This game is a real wake-up call,” laments driver Merv Pysky, “The level of women that I’m attracted to are not attracted to me. Instead of looking for my dream girl in a Playboy magazine, I’m going to have to set my sites on a homeless shelter.”

Grrl-Guide is similar in style to the popular Sims game, in that you interact with various characters in pseudo real-life situations. The main difference is that your character actually represents you and all of your physical and mental attributes. The Eye Toy scans your face and body type. The scale weights your body mass and the breathalyzer analyzes your metabolism and the chemicals emitted from your body. All this data is then processed to render a virtual representation of yourself. Your character will then interact with a plethora of woman of all shapes, sizes, races, and intellect. These A.I. women are programmed through extensive psychological testing to determine their attraction level to various males. The developers maintain that their software program is the closest thing to real-life as possible.

“It’s better to be devastated in the squalor of your own home than in the field,” maintains head developer Vie Ucome. “Eventually the player will get used to being rejected by constant exposure.”

“It’s not all bad news,” Pysky says, “Some of the guys here have cut out the barrel-of-fried-chicken breakfast and are actually attracting a better class of girls. Before Grrl-Guide, we didn’t realize just how fat and repulsive we had become. Much of that can be attributed to video games that always ensure we play as the hero who is always in peak physical condition. Not to mention that we’re forced to sit on our butts all day,” says Pysky. “It’s funny, but if you reduce the bust size of the girls that you’re after, and are willing to settle for a bigger butt, then you might get yourself a date. We realize now that success with guys like us lies in our ability to target women with low self-esteem. With that method, you just might find that diamond in a heap of coal,” concludes Pysky.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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