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Better gamers are being made, not trained. In the not-too-distant future, all you will need to be a better gamer is laser surgery. Reports of Russian scientists conducting experimental implants on humans have been met with shock and outrage in the West despite positive results. According to the Moscow Morning Star, surgeons, psychologists, and computer programmers have been working on a project to improve various cognitive and reflexive skills in humans through surgical implants. The purpose is to make better video game players, since good hand-eye coordination as well as deep, strategic thought is necessary to create a militia of elite soldiers. Originally the project was created for use on soldiers during The Cold War, but since its end, and with the country in financial collapse, the scientists are now selling their technology to the world, for much less nefarious purposes. “We can make anyone a better gamer overnight,” boasts lead Russian scientist Boris Skatesledski. “It’s better living through technology. The process is simple and safe, not even close to what it was 20 years ago,” Skatesledski admits. “We started off transplanting the arms of well-trained gaming enthusiasts, but it was difficult to match arms of the same length and color. It just looked bad, especially when they were rejected and would begin to rot. Then we started implanting sections of brain involved in higher motor functions, but recipients complained of hearing voices and accordion music. Many committed suicide, and those that lived were shipped to Canada to live in Saskatchewan where their mental afflictions would go largely unnoticed among the population.” “What we have perfected today is a way to imprint this information in the human brain from scanned synapse clusters of skilled players,” Skatesledski explains. “These clusters are similar to grooves in a record. They contain data that is read by the brain, the same kind of data that would take a person years to develop through diligent practice. This information is burned into the patients’ cerebral cortex utilizing laser technology. We know that kids don’t have time or the interest to practice these days, so for a few hundred dollars, we’ll give them the skills they want in an instant,” Skatesledski states. The operation is not legal in North America but can be performed in any city in Russia. When asked if there were any side effects, Skatesledski said, “None that we’re comfortable reporting. Other than that, we look forward to working on you.” *This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition. |