Dear Jenni,
Hello Sweetie! It’s your Brain, remember me? Of course you do. Listen, I have to thank you so much for deciding to stop playing those ridiculous, Shall We Date games. Seriously, our IQ has gone up so much since then. But that’s not why I’m here.
It’s come to my attention that you’ve been looking at Super Smash Bros. a lot lately. Don’t deny it–your Eyes told me all about it. Now, I understand your fixation on it. It’s supposed to be a good game, and you really enjoyed playing the 3DS and Wii U versions at E3. It’s understandable that you’d start looking to it again, now that the Japanese version has been released.
But I’m going to have to come down hard here and say no. No, Jenni. You can not go and buy the Japanese version of Super Smash Bros . from the eShop on your 3DS LL. I forbid it.
What’s that? You’re only going to go to the eShop to look at the official videos and grab the demo? Why would you try and lie to me like that? I already know you downloaded the demo. Yes, I was there. Nice try.
The thing is, Super Smash Bros. is only a few weeks away. It comes out on October 3, 2014. It will only be $39.99 here. It will be in your native language–English. The smart, practical thing to do is wait. I know you aren’t exactly patient (Lord, how I know) But you can do this. It’s only three more weeks.
I mean, let’s go over the downsides. The first is the price. It would probably cost you about $60. That’s a tank of gas, to go hang out with your friends. Or, knowing you, a copy of Nekketsu Inou Bukatsu: Trigger Kiss or Dolly Kanon: Dokidoki Tokimeki Himitsu no Ongaku Katsudou Start Dessu. Now, I don’t approve of either game personally, because they’re so ridiculous, but at least I could condone your purchases of them since they’ll never get released outside of Japan. I won’t condone this.
Plus, there’s the language barrier. I know it won’t be overwhelming, since this is a fighting game, but still. We both know how you hate to think (again, don’t lie to me–this is your brain here. I know you). You’ll want effortless enjoyment of Super Smash Bros.
Finally, you know that buying Super Smash Bros . early isn’t going to help you. Benjamin Maltbie and all your other friends/coworkers are still going to kick your ass in this game. How do I know? Because you’re a button masher. You get all excited or panicked and start frantically hitting every button instead of employing any kind of strategy.
Oh? But you say your Heart has told you to pursue your dreams and get Super Smash Bros. now? Listen, your Heart has gotten the two of us into enough trouble already, so just tell her to shut up.
And don’t try to say you bought a Japanese 3DS for this purpose. No, you didn’t get it to get games like Super Smash Bros. early. You got it for all those lovely games that will never get released outside of Japan.
In closing, don’t cave in just yet. Super Smash Bros . does certainly look amazing and buzz-worthy. I know you’re chomping at the bit to play, and I understand that. However, you can stand strong against the pressure. Don’t cave. The game is only three weeks away and while it isn’t easy to be patient, you can go watch some Twitch streams and get through this. Plus, if you agree to just wait, I’ll see if I can get some extra endorphins sent up here.
Sincerely,
Your Brain
P.S.: Please don’t start playing Alice in the Heart again. I need another week or two more to recover.