Chlorotalk*

Chlorotalk employs a subliminal narrative under a soothing symphonic soundtrack. The specially recorded music has been proven to promote cell growth in plants, and the positively reinforced messages delivered by the narrator kicks growth in high gear.

“Some people think that whole talking-to-plants thing is crazy, except for the people that do talk to their plants,” says botanist-turned-developer Dernny Dibblet. “It actually works. Plants are living organisms, and they respond to a variety of stimuli just like we do. With Chlorotalk, you not only choose the type of plant you want to grow—a peapod or a mighty oak—but you can customize the results.

“For instance, you can have a bonsai-style birch tree that will only grow a few inches tall. Or you can grow fruits and vegetables as large as beach balls. Just place your 3DS or Vita within earshot of the plant and let it play overnight. You only have to do this once to each plant. Chlorotalk is infinitely reusable. Use it on every plant in the house, every vegetable in the garden, and every tree in the backyard. Chlorotalk is scientifically proven to work.”

“I was skeptical, I will admit,” says former Cheat Code Central CEO Arty Hackery. “I decided to give this thing a shot. As I was listening to the programming, I got bored and fell asleep. When I woke up, I had the most uncomfortable sensation. Upon examination, there was a cob of corn where there shouldn’t be a cob of corn. Let’s just say it ripped a hole in the seat of my pants while I was riding the bus. Imagine my embarrassment when it fell to the floor in front of all the morning commuters. I doubt any of them would be having corn for supper.”

Chlorotalk is not meant for use on humans, animals, fish, insects, or members of the clergy. Results may vary. Chlorotalk is for entertainment purposes only, and is not guaranteed to work. People using Chlorotalk have reported symptoms of vegetable growth in unmentionable areas, anxiety, loss of appetite, depression, thoughts of suicide, nightmares, alien abductions, torture by ghosts, exploding heads, and an uncontrollable urge to jump into a heap of soiled diapers. Please contact a physician, psychiatrist, paranormal investigator, priest, or botanist if symptoms persist.