Satan Santa*

Satan Santa is the game that’s so controversial the developers refuse to divulge specific information about its content. It will be available Christmas Eve, only as a download. Gamers will need the SS Card, available at regular gaming outlets, to access the game. The developers say it makes the perfect stocking stuffer, so they are advising kids to demand it from their parents.

“We are not releasing any information about the game at this time,” says Satan Santa developer Les Ismore. “By keeping it a secret, we avoid any classification restrictions. We’re willing to pay the fines, as we know we’ll make more than a thousand times that in pure profit.”

“Speculation on this game is insane,” Ismore continues. “The mystery grows with every passing second. Suffice to say this is the most horrific game ever created. It takes one of the world’s most beloved icons, Santa, and combines him with the most evil, vicious, demon imaginable. We are not just out to shock, we are out to severely, and permanently, damage kids’ psyches. Almost half of our Beta testers received professional counseling after playing the game. And that’s no brag—just fact.”

“This is all just a bunch of hype,” says consumer advocate Al Cohaul. “There’s no evidence this game even exists. It could be an elaborate hoax, or turn out to be some stupid platformer. The whole good-things-that-turn-evil thing has been done before. Evil clowns and scary dolls; what’s next? Serial-killing Colonel Sanders?”

“Oh I can assure Mr. Cohaul that this game is more than just terrifying,” Ismore responds chillingly. “It’s also interactive. Players must recite an incantation to play the game. This will ensure they enter a paranormal realm. When you combine demonic spells on the most celebrated time of year, the results are guaranteed to stupefy. If Mr. Cohaul doesn’t watch himself, he will be receiving a one-way ticket to Hell this Christmas. He’s going to learn to believe in both Santa and Satan. I would seal my chimney in a hurry if I were him.”

“This is just the kind of crap kids will buy,” sighs Cohaul. “This creep will probably make millions on this stupid game, just because of his marketing, or lack of it. I can hardly wait to see what he’s got planned for Easter.”