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Amidst reports of illegal business practices, substandard working conditions, kidnapping, confinement, slavery, and other human rights violations, Interpol authorities have shut down what is being called Santa’s Sweatshop. Located at the North Pole, the sweatshop has been in operation for thousands of years, designing and constructing consumer goods for girls and boys around the world. Known as “toys,” these items have been historically made by hand by a diminutive race of elves. Little is known about these elves, as contact with the outside world is tightly regulated. The Sweat Shop is governed by a large, imposing figure known by many aliases including Old Saint Nick, Kriss Kringle, and Santa Clause to name a few. According to the elves, he’s known as Swineheil which loosely translated means Fat Hitler. The Interpol investigation began several years ago when children began finding messages begging for help in their broken toys. After thousands of such letters were handed over to authorities by concerned parents, the worldwide resources of Interpol were called into action. The section of the North Pole where the sweatshop is located is a sovereign nation. It is a heavily guarded country where access to information and media is tightly regulated. Posing as delivery drivers, what authorities found were truly horrifying violations of human rights. In a press conference, Yippy a spokesman for the United Coalition of Elves, says that they were treated worse than slaves, forced to work up to 20 hours a day with little food or water, often in a cold shop where the only source of heat came from burning the body of dead co-workers that died from exhaustion or starvation. “There were many other ways to die at the North Pole,” Yippy explains, “The frozen graveyard at the back of the shop is filled with elves that beat that evil bearded bastard at Guitar Hero. You also don’t want to ever mention that you’ve already seen that episode of Seinfeld twenty times. He can whip off his belt and crack you across the face before you can blink. I was forced to clean my fellow elves off of his chainsaw. It was truly an awful experience,” weeps Yippy. A lawyer for Santa says that human rights are not an issue in this case, since the elves are not human. He maintains that such treatment of the elves are required to ensure that children all around the world get their toys on time for Christmas, and that quality is not compromised. “We addressed millions of children around the world via the internet to explain the situation to them,” the lawyer says, “And when we asked them if they would rather have the elves set free or receive a PSP or Xbox 360 for Christmas they unanimously voted to send the elves back to the North Pole.” The latest reports indicate that the elves are being rounded up and loaded onto the Polar Express for an expedient return to their homeland. It looks like it’s going to be a Merry Christmas after all. *This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition. |