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Top 5 Biggest Asses in Gaming (But Not the Way You Think)

Games are full of asses, and often the camera is placed in a way that spotlights them. Climbing a ladder? There’s a voluptuous ass. But those asses are fleeting and easy to ignore. What about the asses we can’t ignore? Playing a game through to completion can mean dealing with an array of asses both of the dumbass and jackass variety. Here’s our ultra-scientific list of some of the biggest asses in gaming.

Wait…were you expecting something else? A gratuitous list of buxom bottoms perhaps? Next time folks, next time…

Pokemon Red and Blue’s Rival

Pokemon Red and Blue’s Rival

Gary Oak memes abound, mostly aiming to capture how ridiculously boisterous the guy is. In Pokemon Red and Blue, the player’s rival is essentially Gary Oak but with the capacity to really mess with your day.

For starters, he’s equally boisterous and doesn’t hesitate to throw a quick jab in your direction. One can forgive that, though. His real sin is in his timing and location. When you and your pokemon are on the precipice of death, who should show up but your rival to challenge you? The ass always seems one step ahead of you.

Worse, it doesn’t matter how many times you beat him, it seems you can never drive an ounce of humility into that thick skull of his. Maybe this is why, in the game’s opening moments, the Professor utters something like “this is my Grandson… erm… what was his name again?” It’s not that the Professor has a bad memory but, rather, is trying to block out his terrible excuse for a grandson. That’s my thinking, anyway.

Uncharted’s Nathan Drake

Uncharted’s Nathan Drake

Sure, Nathan Drake, the charming rogue, seems cool enough. He’s always got a quip on hand, he’s rarely scared, he can pull off a half tuck with aplomb. He’s the kind of guy that you can imagine someone laughing and saying “oh, you are such an ass.”

But let’s take that one step further. Let’s imagine he’s not in the middle of a dangerous treasure hunt rife with murderous bad guys. Also, let’s take away his kill count, most of which was achieved in the presence of a playful, almost childlike spirit. What are we left with?

A smarmy, sardonic man that few people would want to be around in real life. That said, he is rather dashing looking, isn’t he?

Final Fantasy VII’s Cid Highwind

Final Fantasy VII’s Cid Highwind

Cid Highwind is the foul mouthed, chain-smokin’, spear-wieldin’, ship-flyin’, space-farin’, badass of the party in Final Fantasy VII. Unfortunately, we also have to add “woman abusing” to that list of traits.

Cid isn’t meant to be a likable character by any means. Flaws are a big part of what makes a character interesting and Cid’s reprehensible side is a little more grounded than the fantastic flaws of the other party members. You see, Cid lives with a woman named Shera who he cares about and she, undeniably, loves him but they have a troubled past that revolves around a failed rocket launch. As a result, Cid is verbally cruel, cold, distant, blames her for his unrealized ambitions, belittles her in front of others and, really, acts in such a way that he inspires threads where people debate whether or not he is an abuser.

He eventually grows and his kind heart is revealed but, beyond a doubt, he is the kind of incorrigible ass that would be hard to be around if you didn’t need his ship (or his topnotch Limit Break) to save the world from cataclysm.

Animal Crossing’s Mr. Resetti

Animal Crossing’s Mr. Resetti

Games are games because they have rules, but part of the appeal of Animal Crossing is in the freedom it offers. In that freedom, players can find zen. They get to play a game based on what they care about. Hate weeds? Fix the problem. Hate your neighbors? Ignore them. Just want a nice house? The outside world can burn. There are very few punishments.

That is, until you mess something up and turn the game off without saving. At that point, Mr. Resetti will appear and absolutely annihilate you verbally for “cheating.” It can take a long while and, sure enough, there are humorous lines in there. It is also interesting to watch him rapidly careen between states of apathy and rage.

His tough, Brooklyn-construction-worker disposition can be endearing but, after hearing his rant a few times, he can get on your nerves.

God of War’s Kratos

God of War’s Kratos

Oh Kratos, I know. You’ve had a hard life. You’re a warrior and you don’t process your emotions through poetry or bingewatching plays at the theater. You go straight to rage. But has that ever worked for you?

I suppose you did manage to kill a pantheon of gods, which is, don’t get me wrong, admirable. Some of them even had it coming! But did it make you happy? Are you loved? Or are you just a loud scary guy who kills stuff?

I’m hoping that fatherhood has changed you. I hear having a kid does that kind of thing. Because the only thing that could make you a more annoying jackass would be if you are also a shitty Dad who can’t control his rage.

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