Vitamin D*

Vitamin D*


Scientists confirm that playing video games is beneficial to health and well-being, due to radiation exposure from your TV screen.

Televisions emit light, which in turn generates heat. This heat is caused by radiation, the same kind of radiation emitted by the sun. Vitamin D is essential for health. It regulates both physical and mental states. Lack of Vitamin D is a leading cause of depression, anxiety, and diseases such as scurvy and cancer.

“During the summer season, the sun is positioned to deliver large doses of Vitamin D,” says leading German scientist Frank Von Stein. “That’s why people feel so good in the summer. However, the angle of the sun in the winter severely restricts Vitamin D delivery. This explains why we feel tired, down, and depressed in the winter.

“Large doses of Vitamin D are emitted through video screens. Gaming is a great way to stay entertained, warm, and healthy during those cold, dark, winter months. While Vitamin D can be found as a supplement in foods and pills, nothing can compare to the efficiency of it being absorbed naturally by the body through radiation. So fire up your game, snuggle up to the screen, and get healthy. Doctor’s orders.”

Former Cheat Code Central CEO Arty Hackery has a long history of video gaming and subsequent exposure to the aforementioned radiation. He offers his views and experiences on the subject.

“There’s nothing like radiation. Without it, there wouldn’t be a Spider-Man,” explains Hackery. “I want to make sure every kid in this country is strong, healthy, and happy. Sick children make me sad. Or maybe it’s guilt.

“During a fundraiser for Scouts, I cooked burgers on the screens of seven, older TV sets. We laid the TVs on their backs and the patties were cooked in less than an hour. The big, old, cathode ray picture tube TVs worked the best. Burgers cooked faster when The Wizard of Doctor Oz was on for some reason.”

“There are many other ways radiation from TV sets can be put to good use,” Hackery continues. “To keep warm while shoveling snow, I had extra large pants made with a pouch sewn in the back to hold a TV set. You can keep it plugged in if you have a long enough extension cord. Otherwise, an unplugged set should keep you sufficiently warm for up to 20 minutes. I’ve been doing this for years and the only little side effect I can think of is a growth of another head on my butt. It’s kind of cute when it tries to talk. But it does tend to scare my wife at night.

“One time I tried taking a TV set into the bath with me. After the teeth-melting incident, I learned it was best to unplug it.”

Scientists agree there is still more experimenting and testing to be done to ensure all data is correctly processed. Until that time, they request that you don’t mention this article to anyone.

By Cole Smith

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