Mistakes We Hope Grand Theft Auto V Won’t Make
Even with the rumors of a spring release, it’s probably safe to assume that Grand Theft Auto V is still currently being developed. So, as a charitable service to Rockstar Games, I have put together short list of mistakes that might handicap GTA V’s perfection. As long as Rockstar steers clear of these items, I think we’ll have a hit on our hands.
A Female protagonist
The Internet has been buzzing about the possibility of a female lead in the upcoming GTA title. Now, at risk of sounding sexist, this is a terrible idea. Aside from political correctness, which GTA isn’t exactly known for, the only reason I can think of for Rockstar to incorporate a female protagonist into GTA V is to place a woman into the same ethically ambiguous situations that the GTA franchise is famous for.
Now, I’m certainly not trying to save Rockstar from the complaints of parents and conservative groups; I’m actually trying to save them from themselves. If the writers really want GTA V to make a splash, there are better ways to get the media’s attention than to just drop a slutty chick into the GTA universe. Not only would this maneuver be lazy and unimaginative, it would almost certainly change the tone of the series.
That being said, if Rockstar can find a good reason to toss a female lead into the GTA universe, I’m all for it. I just have a hard time believing it’s possible.
I’m getting tired of the phone calls from my idiotic friends while I’m having a gunfight with the Russian Mafia. What’s worse is that I can’t just call them back and say, “Hey dude, sorry I couldn’t take your call. Some drug runners were shooting rocket-propelled grenades at me. You know how it is.” My in-game friends, apparently, don’t understand that this is a valid excuse for missing their call. If these people were my friends in real life, my friendship meter would be incredibly low.
Now, I’m not saying that we should do away with the countryside entirely, but can we please get rid of the never-ending road trips? And, in the past, landing an airplane or crashing a car in the country meant schlepping by foot all the way back to civilization. Obviously I would rather be spending this precious time shooting down police helicopters or running prostitutes over with my car.
I think I speak for the entire gaming community when I say that we’re done with escort missions. Now, I understand that this complaint is going to be completely ignored by Rockstar, but that doesn’t make it invalid. Babysitting some brainless NPC who’s hell-bent on getting himself killed is not my idea of a good time.
However, if Rockstar can manage to create an NPC that doesn’t have an apparent death wish, I would be more than happy to give it a go. But there’s very little chance of that happening.
I’m not actually worried about this. GTA titles always have a healthy swath of popular music. I just wanted to let Rockstar know that I’d be keeping an eye on them.
Listen, I know he hasn’t been around since Vice City, but there’s just something about him that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t made a good movie in almost two decades, or maybe it was his guest appearance on Hannah Montana .
In fact, let’s just make a rule: Anyone who guest stars on Hannah Montana forfeits any roles in future GTA titles. Agreed?
I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point in American history, Scarface fandom became correlated with gangster badassery. The problem is that most of these overly-enthusiastic Scarface lovers are bigger posers than gangsters. So now, Scarface has become correlated with self-glorified mamma’s boys, and that just doesn’t seem like the feel that Rockstar is shooting for.
Training and Weightlifting
Working out in a video game is less fun than working out in real life. Get rid of it.
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