None
No more tedious manual and instruction booklet reading. No more slow and poorly translated in-game tutorials to participate in. No more trial-and-error. Thanks to Game Tooters, your gaming future looks bright because boredom and frustration are all in the past. Game Tooters is a company that sends professional gamers right to your home to show you the ropes first-hand – in person. They’ll explain everything about your game so that you’ll be playing like a pro in no time. Inspired by the concept of Geek Squad, featuring computer experts that make house calls, Game Tooters was a logical progression says founder Les Unow. “We’ve hired professional game reviews as well as seasoned game tournament winners to act as tuitors; guys that usually wouldn’t be welcome in anyone’s home, but as part of this package people are willing to pay big bucks for a one-hour visit,” exclaims Unow. These experts, known as Game Tooters, will sit down with the new player and go over the main aspects of a specific game such as premise, backstory, control system, and exclusive tips. The Tooter will then let the player demonstrate what he has learned. His or her performance will be assessed, and when the Tooter is confident the player has things under control, he will make his way to the next customer’s residence. Unow acknowledges that this service does not come cheap. He says it’s primarily geared for high-income families in which the parents have plenty of money but poor parenting skills. “Or maybe they just hate the little bastards and can’t stand being around them,” Unow offers. “It cost a lot of money to run a business like this, so we’re justified in our pricing. First of all we have to de-scent these Tooters, as they are typically fed a diet of salty snacks, fried foods and Pepsis. They have to go through a three-week rigorous training session where they are taught to shower at least once every two days. They are also “assimilated back into society,” during this period where they will learn how to once again interact with people,” Unow continues. “They learn the basics such as saying “Hello,” “Shall I remove my shoes,” and “Will that be cash or check?” For an extra charge the company will send a Tooter that has been screened with a complete criminal check. Follow-up calls can be made to any specific Tooter after the initial visit to answer any further questions the customer may have. The rate will be $7.95 an hour. Unow justifies this by claiming that it’s still cheaper than talking to a psychic or a fake girlfriend. “You are getting value for your money with this service,” he explains. “I don’t have to be a psychic to tell you that not only are those fortune-tellers rip off artists, but that girl on the other end of the phone does not like you.” Game Tooters will soon be available in every major city in North America, with hopes to affiliate with large gaming-related outlets such as Blockbuster or Wal-Mart. Currently it’s being test marketed in Kentucky and Alabama. “I don’t want to say that these people are stupid,” explains Unow, “But we’ve have a lot of calls for people wanting us to change the clock on their microwave oven to the correct time, and change the lightbulb on their porch. I won’t even mention some of the requests we get from the lonely hillbilly women.” *This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition. |