Psychics Predict Gaming Trends*

Psychics Predict Gaming Trends*


In an effort to gain the leading edge in game development and marketing, video game companies are employing psychics to “peer into the future,” to predict what kinds of games will be the most popular. Developers such as Rockstar, Nintendo, and EA are among the leaders in this supernatural trend to decipher destiny.

“This is big business,” says psychics’ representative, Slolar Whentchisel. “Our psychics are the best in the world. We hire them out to companies to predict marketing trends. We are so successful that we can’t keep up with the demand. Ever since Bobby Kshywiecki saw the potential of the Grand Theft Auto series in his crystal herbal tea back in ’95, we’ve been taken very seriously by the industry,” Whenchisel claims. “We had a lot of negative press with that whole psychic hotline fiasco. We didn’t see that coming, but we should have. But with the help of the dead and some demons, we’re back in business.”

Psychics have long been used by police agencies, the military, and even for clandestine government activities. Scientific research on psychics began in earnest in the early 50s, with funding provided by covert governmental agencies; obviously for nefarious military purposes. Whentchisel claims that the scientific evidence proves that psychic phenomenon is real, but the findings are classified top secret. He says that the government doesn’t want the public, or any other country, to have this information. So they attempt to discredit psychics by running smear campaigns. He says the government conspires to make psychics appear inept by employing actors, impersonators, and amateurs to appear as bumbling fools in the media.

“Have you ever seen that [expletive removed] on Oprah?” asks Whentchisel. “That short idiot with the moustache, and the high-pitched voice? He’s an embarrassment to our industry,” exclaims Whentchisel. “That’s because he’s actually a government agent. His real name is Tom Bedachko, and he’s a car salesman from Fargo . He couldn’t predict his own death if I shot at him with a loaded gun at point blank range. But since I can look ahead and see my future lover and cell mate, I won’t be taking that kind of drastic action,” laments Whentchisel.

Game developers are also coming out with new supernatural-oriented games. Under the direction of professional psychics, we can expect to see games that test, develop, and exploit latent psychic powers. One company is coming out with a 3D Ouija board-style game, while another is offering a free ghost with every purchase. If the ghost is too scary, rude, smelly, or otherwise unacceptable, he can be removed by a professional exorcist at no extra charge, in much the same way you would uninstall a computer program.

One of the Whentchisel’s most gifted psychics, Will Blurr, may have gone a little too far. He claims that there will come a day when the entire world will be owned by one massive conglomerate company named, McDisneyMicroTubeMart. “Of course it will be evil,” he says, explaining how it will attempt to turn the entire population into a race of murderous zombies that do nothing more than shop, watch TV, and look up porn on the internet. Blurr says that with this knowledge of knowing how the world will ultimately end up, what’s the point of even trying anymore? And with that, he turned to the Hustler channel and continued eating his salted peanuts. “I bet you I can tell you how this episode ends,” he added.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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