Big Brother’s Watching*

Big Brother’s Watching*


Recent rumors have surfaced regarding the “webtapping” of online video game players by secret and specialized American military departments. According to sources, special operation officers are spying on gamers to determine those with the best aptitude for secret military missions.

A number of teenagers throughout America have been approached by men claiming to be secret service agents. Arriving at their homes in person, it’s claimed these men have extensive knowledge of each subject’s gaming habits. They offer these teenagers lucrative amounts of money to join their organization. If they decline, they are firmly asked not to recall the meeting.

A high-ranking military commander, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims it’s not only true, but that they are also able to tap into games played offline. As long as the console has online capabilities, there’s a good chance you’ve been, or will be monitored, by this agency. The commander also reveals the U.S. military is behind the development of such games as Call of Duty, Halo, Medal of Honor, Ghost Recon, and Spanky’s Quest.

“We have imbedded monitoring software in all the games we’ve helped develop,” the commander says. “We’re looking for gamers with the best reflexes and instincts. These are the soldiers of the future. The next war will be fought on computers, exactly like a video game. These gamers will save our lives, our country, and ultimately the world.”

Former Cheat CC CEO Arty Hackery says this is illegal and unethical. He says these are just kids, and they are being put into dangerous situations.

“There are terrorists in the Middle East fighting in the name of Jihad. And in South America there are intelligent gorillas capable of using machine guns and kidnapping tourists,” Hackery states. We asked Hackery if perhaps he meant guerillas? “It doesn’t matter if they’re French, they are still dangerous. We shouldn’t have to send American kids out to kill them. The Canadians are French, aren’t they?”

We explained to Hackery the concept of young soldiers using computers to fight wars, from the safety of their American homes. Citing the only lives lost would be those of the enemy. “This is insanity at any level,” sobs Hackery, “What has happened to our beloved gaming industry? And we have no one else to blame but that #$%&-ing Kirby!”

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