Nintendo Launches DS-Ulta in Ninja Marketing Campaign*

Nintendo Launches DS-Ulta in Ninja Marketing Campaign*


Consider this Nintendo’s Christmas gift to the world. The company that has continuously created the most popular handheld gaming systems in history is hoping to do it again with the surprise release of the DS-Ulta, the most amazingly advanced handheld system ever devised. But they won’t last long.

More than a gaming machine, the DS-Ulta has so many features that it’s virtually impossible to list them all. It has everything you would expect from a sophisticated cell phone such as camera, video player and recorder, MP3 player, alarm, clock and GPS. The Ulta also functions as a high-powered mini-laptop with 6GB RAM and enough hard drive space to launch and land the space shuttle. Other software configurations will allow the DS-Ulta to perform as a recording studio, video editing suite, animation editor, transmitter and receiver, and of course a microwave oven. It should also be mentioned that the DS-Ulta can be used to play video games.

“From a marketing standpoint we tried something totally different,” says Nintendo marketing manager Hans Dibble. “By launching the DS-Ulta as a surprise, just prior to the Holiday Season, we believe it will generate more excitement and press due to the immediacy of the event. Sometimes a long anticipation period, where you announce the product far ahead of its release, has a detrimental affect. People’s expectations get too high and they become disappointed. But with the DS-Ulta, people are going to be talking about this like crazy. It’s going to create a sense of wondrous confusion where people will begin scrambling to purchase this item before it’s sold out,” Dibble explains. “It sounds as though this scheme was created by a mad scientist,” Dibble bellows somewhat inappropriately.

So how did Nintendo keep this project a secret for more than three years? According to an employee that wishes to remain anonymous, “Fear.” “Nintendo is a very scary company,” the mysterious employee that lives in Boulder, Colorado on 322 Maple Ave. maintains, “If you do something wrong, they have ways of making it look like an accident. They have large manufacturing plants with huge drums of bubbling chemicals, and a rickety bamboo scaffold and catwalk system that can give out at any time. Some workers that are demoted to these plants never return. It’s said that there are human bone fragments embedded in the plastic frame of every DS ever sold,” the hunchbacked employee that answers to the name of John McInnes claims. “Nintendo employs thousands of people, and every year at least a hundred or so go missing.”

The DS-Ulta is available this very moment at virtually every retailer on the planet, but because it’s so secret and rare many stores are hording supplies for their employees, friends, and relatives. It’s recommended that you talk to the store manager and explain that you know what’s going on. Threats or kidnapping is not recommended; after all, it is the Holidays.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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