Half-Life: The Freeman Identity Case*

Half-Life: The Freeman Identity Case*


Former CEO of Cheat Code Central, Arty Hackery is suing the developers of Half-Life, claiming that they infringed on his likeness, identity, history, and lifestyle. Hackery claims that the company has exposed his true identity to millions of people worldwide and that his life, as well as his research, is now in jeopardy.

Hackery claims that the main character in the popular game, Gordon Freeman, the bespectacled scientist-turned-vigilante, is entirely based on his looks and life. The Half-Life series is one of the most popular first-person shooters in gaming history with sales into the millions. The game tells the story of anti-hero, Freeman who is experimenting with teleportation when all hell breaks loose causing a vortex to open between this world and one filled with deadly aliens. Freeman spends the rest of the game solving puzzles and employing a variety of destructive weapons to blow these creatures back into another dimension.

“What kind of world is this where some people can steal your entire life and turn it into a video game for the entire world to see? People recognize me in the streets. It’s impossible to go anywhere now without people calling me Gordon Freeman,” Hackery states. “I also had a beautiful assistant, not unlike Alyx, that refuses to go out in public anymore. This is a travesty,” he yells.

Although both Hackery and Freeman sport goatees, Hackery is at least 100 pounds heavier, does not wear glasses, and is at least 15-years older than Freeman. He also looks nothing at all like him. When asked about these apparent contradictions, Hackery states that the stress of identity theft changed his appearance.

Developers Steam hired a private investigator to check Hackery’s story out and what he found seems to destroy Hackery’s credibility.

“First of all,” says private investigator Bob Yunip, “Hackery is not a scientist. He was one employed at a cheese factory where the only weapon he could use successfully was an electric can opener, although some employees say he was pretty good at catching rats with a stick that had a nail on it. Also, he does not have a beautiful assistant, he has a trained duck that he takes for walks. This fellow is definitely trying to scam this innocent but successful development company,” Yunip charges.

“Some of that is true,” admits Hackery, “But I forget which parts. I may have dreamt some of it, and developers somehow were able to steal my dreams. I also did a science project back in high school where I was bitten by a radioactive spider. I’m pretty sure that really happened,” Hackery adds.

Hackery’s lawyer says that the matter was settled when the developers agreed to buy Hackery a cane with a horse’s head handle on it and a pail of Neapolitan ice cream.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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