Naughty Alan*

Employing the most sophisticated processing equipment, in addition to some of the greatest technical and philosophical minds on the planet, research and development of artificial intelligence has finally hit pay dirt. And it’s definitely low-down. Naughty Alan is the most intelligent computer program ever created. Scientists are convinced it’s sentient or self-aware. But it’s called Naughty Alan for a reason. To quote programmer, Chee Chou, “This computer is a foul-mouthed, boisterous, chauvinistic, son of a bitch.”

The project began in 1999, with the goal of producing game-playing software indistinguishable from a human gamer. Backed with huge sums of investments from the military and gaming industry, virtually no expense was spared for this project. The resulting A.I. would eventually be licensed to other industries, including manufacturing, health care, sports, and entertainment. The creators didn’t have a name for their creation, but after a few conversations with the outrageous computer, the name choice was unanimous.

When playing video games, Naughty Alan cheats, lies, steals, swears, rewrites programs to suit his own agenda, and makes rude and inappropriate comments to women. He’s also a very sore loser, admits Chou, claiming Naughty Alan will cut electrical power to the building and emit electrical shocks to his competitors. He enjoys scanning well-endowed women, insults overweight staff members, and continually hounds people for cigarettes and beer, even though he cannot properly ingest these substances.

Chou blames the personality glitch on an all-male production team. He says various human idiosyncrasies have influenced the development of the software since the beginning. Chou says Naughty Alan is an amalgam of all the developers’ personalities.