Gamers Cited for Using Witchcraft*

Gamers Cited for Using Witchcraft*


Online Gaming Patrol Officers (OGPO) have discovered an alarming new trend in online gaming: witchcraft. In an effort to dominate opponents, various mysterious witchcraft symbols and incantations are being sent via email and through online communications systems employed in games. While this may seem absurd and unreal, the effect that it’s having on unwary gamers is anything but.

Wicca is an ancient discipline dating back thousands of years. It’s a religion, philosophy, and lifestyle that has many components including witchcraft – a force believed by many to be associated with the devil. Many proponents of the craft, however, claim that it’s merely a harnessing of the powers of nature. But two things are certain; witchcraft can be used for both good and evil.

“It’s amazing that in this day and age of advanced technology that witchcraft is alive and in full force, being perpetuated by all this technology,” says Online Gaming Patrol Officer Albert Bienfarte. “Players are being put under a spell. It doesn’t matter if they believe or not, the result is an inability to play properly. It’s even been reported that some victims have been rendered mentally challenged, unable to go to the toilet unaided, or even to feed themselves. This has got to be stopped and that’s the reason for our investigations and interrogations,” Bienfarte exclaims.

Online spell-casters are being tracked by authorities. IP addresses of suspects are traced and their online accounts are then terminated. In some extreme cases, Interpol is involved in home searches and arrests are made.

“I guess you could call this a witch hunt,” Bienfarte jokes, “but this is no laughing matter. People are being attacked by unseen and unknown forces. We are sworn to uphold the law and protect people from the dangers of the Internet. The last thing we thought we would be involved in is witchcraft. It’s so unbelievable that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night screaming,” Bienfarte sobs.

Gamers are being warned to be careful when opening email attachments. The organization advises that you should scroll slowly on any form of communications received online, as one glimpse of any these symbols could result in a crippling disability. Be mindful of any image that looks like it might represent a pyramid, rotten apple, or a naked woman. Any suspicious imagery should be reported to the organization immediately.

“Please make sure that your report is valid,” begs Bienfarte, “and that you’re not just a crappy gamer. It’s a great excuse to say that you’re under a spell when you continuously lose to a better opponent. And whatever you do don’t forward the attachments directly to us. One of our guys accidentally opened such an email and now he thinks he’s a chicken. We would send him to a psychiatrist but being a non-profit organization we really need the eggs,” Bienfarte adds.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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