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Scientists are at odds to explain the latest claims that gaming is a huge contributor to global warming. Some are even saying it’s the most significant, if not sole, cause of this crisis. “This is not just a lame claim….uh…err…is this too early in the story for my opinion?” asks former Cheat CC CEO Arty Hackery. We told him yes, and to wait until at least the fourth paragraph. “If I say something now, that means the next paragraph will be the fourth paragraph, so I may as well continue,” Hackery interrupts. We admonish him, telling him it doesn’t work that way, and now he will have to wait until the sixth paragraph, barring any further unwarranted outbursts. High-profile personalities have made global warming a highly-publicized subject. Proponents such as Former Vice President Al Gore are blaming the effect on greenhouse gasses, primarily the emission of carbons into the air. In the last five years, billions of dollars have been raised in an attempt to study and combat this problem, and some of the results are raising eyebrows. According to a small group of scientists led by former CheatCC CEO Arty Hackery, the finger points squarely at gaming, a recreation that until now has been seen as harmless. “I can speak now?” Hackery asks. “Should I just go ahead? Okay then… I’m aware these results may be controversial, but they are true. If you have any doubts, that’s just the devil controlling your mind. Don’t believe the devil, he’s evil and odorously offensive.” “Allow me to explain. Did you notice we never heard anything about global warming until gaming became popular? This wasn’t a topic of conversation in the caveman days, or even the seventies. It wasn’t until GTA 4 came along that we all started hearing about it. What we’ve discovered is gamers stay indoors longer, causing an increase in heating and electrical consumption. Gaming also causes demands for plastics, fuel for transportation and manufacturing, the production of junk food, and communication with the dead.” “I personally didn’t want to include that last part of communicating with the dead, but Pepe, one of our scientists, basically forced me. He’s a good scientist, really, but he is a little out there. I suspect he drinks a lot. He also has some bladder control issues, but I suppose I shouldn’t disclose such personal information in a public article. But if anyone knows of a good scientist looking for work…” Hackery pauses for dramatic effect and then resumes his findings. “With all of the younger generation indoors,” Hackery continues, “We notice a trend of the older generation taking to the outdoors for recreation and fitness. We all know Mother Nature hates old people, so when she knows she’s got them alone, she lets it rip. Earthquakes, tsunamis, avalanches, floods, fires, sub-arctic temperatures, hurricanes, and tornadoes. Whatever it takes to rid the planet of these old folks.” “The solution is simple,” Hackery concludes. “Gamers get the hell outside for a while. And do a little bit more walking. Be mindful of the carbon footprint you leave. And if you want to kill an old person from time to time, that would be great.” |